Mankind's only alternative 7   FEB.   23  
Mankind's only alternative
Vlad's Daily Gloat - The eXile Blog

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Feature Story December 25, 2003
What a Laugh!
The eXile Looks Back on 2003, The Funniest Year Yet!
Page 13 of 17
The Joke: Just when the US was enjoying scaring the pitiful Iraqis to death, along came somebody who actually wanted to fight, and America went from bully to pants-pissing pencil-neck in the shake of a nuke. Yup, the North Koreans, the craziest and scariest little country on the planet, actually announced in June 2003 that they not only had WMDs, but they had the ultimate WMD, nuclear weapons. And they added that they were busy making more nukes to use against the US. The Americans ignored Pyongyang's announcement and said they were committed to a "diplomatic solution" to the crisis. And at that, a huge jeer went up around the world, a jeer familiar to every big-talking phony who ever backed down from a schoolyard fight against a crazy guy half his size.

Sad Clown factor: Now millions of North Korean peasants will die slow, horrible deaths by famine rather than quick, neat exits via nuclear blast from United States Trident-3s.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

36. Britney Spears/Madonna Kiss

The Joke: Talk about a mother-daughter dyke-duo! Lesbian-obsessed America was treated to a (Wet) Dream Kiss when Britney Spears swapped spit with over-ripe grandma Madonna, spurring hilarious outcries among family-oriented Christians.

Sad Clown factor: Now that Britney Spears is legal, she's about as sexy as a secretary. The poor strumpet has no choice now but to go tonguing old hags for cash, reminding us of gross-out hag-tonguing scenes from Not Another Teen Movie or Kingpin.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

37. Apaches Scalped

The Joke: The showpiece weapon in Rumsfeld's war plan was the AH-64 "Apache" attack helicopter. It was lighter than a tank, which made it cheaper to transport, but it was supposed to have the same firepower and even greater mobility. The Army wasn't too sure, but Rumsfeld was, so in the first week of the war he ordered the Apaches to attack an Iraqi armored column moving to the front. It was a comic highlight of the war, with the Apaches turning tail like a bunch of Hopis. 30 out of 33 Apaches were damaged. One was downed--by an old farmer who got hisself photographed waving his rifle by the dead chopper. Yee-haw, Akbar!

Bonus laugh: After the disaster, Rumsfeld finally authorized the 4th Armored Division's vehicles shipped to Iraq, grumbling like an asshole dad handing over the family sedan.

Sad Clown factor: He also ordered the Apaches kept away from the front line for the rest of the war, depriving us of more great moments in comedy.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

38. Michael Mcfaul

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Limonov  Files
My Country Killed Yuri Chervochkin :

Russia’s Most Wanted :
Street Produce Seller
Field Guide To Moscow: Arbusius Azerbaijanius :

Censorship the eXile Way :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442