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The War Nerd December 25, 2003
The 2003 Claymore Awards: Thank You, God
By Gary Brecher Browse author Email
Page 3 of 3
The Israelis would love for us to take out Syria for them, but then they were all for hitting Iraq too, and look where that got us. The really pitiful thing is that the Israeli government just issued a big report accusing its own intelligence services of overestimating the threat from Iraq, and pretty much admitting that there never was any threat to Israel, let alone the US, from Saddam's fucked-up, isolated country.

Of course there is now. Like the saying goes, we have brought about the very situation we wished to avoid.

War Most Likely to Succeed and Biggest Humiliation

We're all waiting for it: US vs. North Korea. Kim Jong-Il went out of his way to let Bush know the North has the nukes and can hardly wait to use them on us, and Bush sent poor Colin Powell out in front of the network cameras to say basically, "Uh...we want to settle things diplomatically." Chickenshit bastards in DC can't even woof properly. Gets me down.

But I got faith in North Korea, absolute faith that they aren't woofing and mean every crazy world-ending word they say. One of these days they'll get sick of trying to get UN rice deliveries by threats alone, and they'll draw us into a war we don't want. They've tried every provocation known to humankind, including grabbing a US spy vessel from international waters and daring us to grab it back (which we didn't, another disgusting climbdown) and wiping out the whole South Korean cabinet on its state visit to Burma. They must be fed up with us by now, like a slut who's tried everything to get the boyfriend excited and finally just has to rip his dick out and start sucking. That's Kim's line: "Me so War-howny!" And Bush just going, "Well uh I think you misoverestimate me, darlin'."

But the War-howny North will have its way one day, if they have to build rafts and sail the Pacific to hit Malibu.

Oh, Jesus, just let my damn high blood pressure hold out long enough to see that: the first North Korean landing craft hitting the beach at Malibu. If you're taking special orders, Jesus, could you also make sure Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal are on the beach, catchin' some rays, when Kim hits the beach?


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Gary Brecher
Browse author
Email Gary at, but, more importantly, buy his book.
Finally, A Real Elitny Underground Club :
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Field Guide To Moscow: Soldatus Malnutritius :
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Ukraine: Why Yulia Tymoshenko Is A Political Zero : The politics of the eternal return

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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