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Feature Story January 21, 2008
 
The eXile Guide To European Hatred
 
 

The Europeans have turned against America in the War On Terror. They believe that Americans don't understand a thing about the world. That Americans are ignorant, shallow and drunk with military might. In such a people's hands, all that weaponry and the willingness to use it poses a greater danger to the world, or more specifically to Europe, than even Osama bin Laden. America's handling of Iraq is a perfect example. "We Europeans have a profound understanding of the local people," they say. "You Americans don't even know where Iraq is located on a map."

Thus think the Europeans.

Should America, and the rest of the world, listen? What is Europe's lesson to humanity? What example have they set for the rest of us?

To answer this question, we at the eXile have decided to let ze Europeans speak for themselves. A sort of "Europe on Europe" primer. Nothing could better test the European sense of profound inter-ethnic understanding than studying how Europeans view their very own European neighbors.

And when you do that, you find something incredible: Bigotry and hatred are the bread and water of European life. This isn't a vague, impersonal hatred; rather, it's a profoundly evolved, carefully tailored hatred, a SMART Hatred if you will, tailored as tightly as a Swiss banker's shirt towards the village over the hill, where your bosom enemies live.

Through hard and thorough research (ie., by pouring beer into the throats of selected Europeans and letting them rant), the eXile has managed to isolate and map the 18 fundamental hatred genomes that Europeans carry towards their neighbors -- the RNA strand of Euro-hatred, if you like.

So put away your Lonely Planet guides, and pick up your Euro-Bigotry primer. It's because of European hatred that the biggest massacres in human history have taken place. And the wonderful thing is, in spite of all the post-war European talk of peace and understanding, all the bigotries still live on, waiting for the day when they can transform Europeans back from harmless disco-dancing buffoons into the murderous village brawlers they once were, and may someday be again.

So here it is, the eXile European Hatred Genome map. Our gift to you. Europe's gift to mankind.

Central Europe

See the corresponding chart... Central Europe

Always respected as the deep, rich, thick heart of European ethnic strife, Central Europe has been in a rebuilding phase for the past half-century. A couple of four-year blood-binges took some of the fire out of the Heartlanders. These two world wars, which killed 70 million people, should be a lesson to us fans that there can indeed be too much of a good thing like ethnic hatred. Next time, Meine Herren, party hard but party safe!

* And as the genome-map below shows, you guys haven't forgotten how to hate -- or how to party hard. Yes, the old instincts have survived intact. The many colorful tribes of Europe's deadly center are unshaken in their village hatreds. All they ask is that the world turn its stern, moralistic gaze away for a year or so. They'll do the rest!

From Verdun To Srebrenica: You`ve Come A Long Way, Baby!

War Deaths in Europe
by decade

1900-1910: 5,000
1911-1920: 20,000,000
1921-1930: 3,000,000
1931-Sept.1939: 500,000
1940-1949: 49,000,000
1951-1960: 100,000
1961-1970: 2,000
1971-1980: 2,500
1981-1990: 3,000
1991-2000: 260,000

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The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
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Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
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