Mankind's only alternative 8   FEB.   23  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

The War Nerd February 19, 2004
The Big Hate
By Gary Brecher Browse author Email
Page 4 of 4
Things were quiet for a while -- that is, just slaves being whipped to death, runaway slaves burning down isolated settlements, small stuff.

Then came the French Revolution. Kaboom! All Hell breaks loose, not just in Europe but everywhere the French had colonized. The radicals in Paris order that any mulatto who owns land can vote and be a citizen. The Haiti colonists say no way.

So this time it's the mulattos who revolt, in 1790. And the funny part is that this time, the black slaves get payback on their light-skinned ex-friends by joining the French to stomp the rebel mulattoes. See what I mean? A three-sided fight is a LOT more complicated than a simple two-man bout, and all the Haitian wars were three-sided or more.

In 1791, just one year after they helped the French crush the mulatto rebellion, the blacks started their own. It was the big one, with a half-dozen brilliant guerrilla commanders, some of them smart and decent like Toussaint l'Ouverture, and others just plain scary, like Jeannot, the guy whose armies marched with a white baby on a pike as their flag.They had a simple policy: kill every white you find, and burn everything. They torched the whole island. Ships at sea said the place was smoking literally for months.

Then the vultures dropped in: the Spanish and British landed to take advantage of the chaos and divide the island between them. By this time everybody was killing everybody. There were even black slaves fighting to restore the French king. Toussaint, the smartest leader of the rebellion, decided Haiti would be better off making a deal with the radicals in Paris than the Spanish and British, who'd reestablished slavery everywhere they went. He joined the French forces, kicked the Spanish and British out and beat the mulatto army. He was in charge until Napoleon came into power.

Napoleon had plans for the island. And he had a surplus brother-in-law, LeClerc, who he was sick of seeing around the home office in Paris. So it was the old story: the boss sends his useless brother-in-law on a long business trip to get him out of sight. LeClerc landed in Haiti in 1802 with 20,000 men. Toussaint, who was definitely the noblest man in the whole mess, surrendered to avoid more slaughter. The French made him a lot of promises, broke them in about five seconds and sent Toussaint to France in chains, where he died in a freezing dungeon a couple of years later.

And that was the last good guy in the story. From here on, it's just bad guys vs. worse guys, vs. even worse guys, vs. guys who would scare Charles Manson.

But there was one last twist before the next cycle of killing. Haiti got its independence after all, in 1803, only a year after Toussaint was tricked and captured. LeClerc's army was melting like popsicles, dying from every tropical disease. LeClerc died of yellow fever, taking the easy way out. Meanwhile, Napoleon was getting ready to kick some major ass in Europe and he lost interest in America. It was right then, if you recall, that he sold Louisiana to Jefferson for 3 cents an acre (a good buy except for Mississippi, which I personally wouldn't pay even 1 cent per square mile for).

With Louisiana sold off and his army dead or dying, Napoleon cut his losses. LeClerc's replacement took what was left of his troops to Jamaica. He figured he was safer surrendering to the British than the Haitians.

Haiti was -- ta-da! -- a free country.

Oh, but the fun was just starting. I'll tell you all about it in my next column.

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Gary Brecher
Browse author
Email Gary at, but, more importantly, buy his book.
Pedophile DP
The DP That Could’ve : August isn’t hot just for us normals, it affects the pedophile murderin’ types, too.

Let’s Hate Brazil! :

Jesus Ate Their Brains! :

The eXile Introduces Toilet Newspaper Racks : The latest in bowel evacuation technology!


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442