If you're in Moscow this March 8th, do yourself and Russia a favor and don't celebrate International Women's Day. The reason is simple. Moscow's girls don't deserve to be celebrated.
You see, there's an unpleasant fact about Moscow's dyevs that we've observed -- everyone's noticing, not just us -- over the past couple of years. And that obvious yet censored truth is this: Moscow's girls have become uglier. They're uglier, and they're getting increasingly ugly with every year that passes.
That's why we're telling you not to celebrate this March 8th. You'll only be rewarding bad behavior.
Moscow's girls -- celebrated and deified in the pages of this very newspaper for their ability to pop more chubbage per square unit than any female subspecies in recorded history -- only started getting uglier over the past few years. It's a trend that started right around the time Putin took power. It came about suddenly, not gradually. It attacked us out of the blue, and has continued to shock us so much that we've been afraid to even acknowledge it. As if admitting the awful truth will release some kind of avalanche of pain, or a chain reaction that might result in the total destruction of our collective will to live.
But we're professionals here, and our job at the eXile has been to present to our readers the truth, no matter how bitter or destructive that truth is.
And here is that bitter truth. Since Putin took over the presidency, the average ass-size on Moscow's girls has swelled and ballooned right along with the price-per-square-meter of the local real estate. Her face is saggier, her hairdo more ridiculously imitative of a fashion magazine model's hairdo, only cheaper -- that is to say, the kind of ridiculous coif you'd see on striving women in any Third World capital. And here we're talking about the dyevs who are still trying.
At a recent party, we noticed a phenomenon that would have seemed unimaginable in the golden Yeltsin era: yet another dyev wearing a Britney Spears midriff-baring halter top and low-cut jeans...only unlike the Yeltsin era, this shoulda-been-a-babe had rolls of midriff fat oozing over the sides of her jeans like bubbles of pricey crude pouring out of Siberia's lucrative oil wells.
And she was the hottest chick in the club.
"They're taking less drugs, and that's a big problem," observed Chris Karel, director of the Phlegmatic Dog, a popular spot for Moscow's new-generation ravers and Internet partiers. "These days Moscow girls hang out less with bandits, so they do fewer drugs and they don't take care of their figures like they used to. They're letting themselves go, and that's a real shame."
"In my opinion, there are fewer pretty girls than there were 10 years ago," said Vitaly Leba, president of the Red Stars modeling agency in Moscow. "Many pretty Muscovites have left the country."
"It's true, most of our girls are from the provinces," said a Red Stars secretary who gave her name as "Larissa." "It didn't always used to be like this. It's tough to say why, but something is up with girls from Moscow."
One eXpat, a British male who asked that he just be named "Brad," said that the decline of Moscow's dyevs is impossible to miss. "All of my friends talk about it," he said. "When we used to come to Moscow in the 1990s, it was like, 'Wow, my god!' You know? But now they're starting to look familiar. Their skin is getting worse, their bottoms are like hippopotamus arses. It's like, wait a minute, I'm not in America or the fucking Midlands, am I? Because these girls have got bad clothes and saggy asses. It's as if they're not taking care of themselves like they used to."
"They seem to have spent too much time looking to the West," observed Karel. "Now they're wearing lesbian shoes -- sensible shoes -- and baggy trousers and tank tops. They're not as appealing."