Mankind's only alternative 27   JAN.   23  
Mankind's only alternative
Vlad's Daily Gloat - The eXile Blog

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Feature Story March 4, 2004
The Ugly Truth
The Decline and Fall of Moscow's Dyevushki By Mark Ames Browse author Email

If you're in Moscow this March 8th, do yourself and Russia a favor and don't celebrate International Women's Day. The reason is simple. Moscow's girls don't deserve to be celebrated.

You see, there's an unpleasant fact about Moscow's dyevs that we've observed -- everyone's noticing, not just us -- over the past couple of years. And that obvious yet censored truth is this: Moscow's girls have become uglier. They're uglier, and they're getting increasingly ugly with every year that passes.

That's why we're telling you not to celebrate this March 8th. You'll only be rewarding bad behavior.

Moscow's girls -- celebrated and deified in the pages of this very newspaper for their ability to pop more chubbage per square unit than any female subspecies in recorded history -- only started getting uglier over the past few years. It's a trend that started right around the time Putin took power. It came about suddenly, not gradually. It attacked us out of the blue, and has continued to shock us so much that we've been afraid to even acknowledge it. As if admitting the awful truth will release some kind of avalanche of pain, or a chain reaction that might result in the total destruction of our collective will to live.

But we're professionals here, and our job at the eXile has been to present to our readers the truth, no matter how bitter or destructive that truth is.

And here is that bitter truth. Since Putin took over the presidency, the average ass-size on Moscow's girls has swelled and ballooned right along with the price-per-square-meter of the local real estate. Her face is saggier, her hairdo more ridiculously imitative of a fashion magazine model's hairdo, only cheaper -- that is to say, the kind of ridiculous coif you'd see on striving women in any Third World capital. And here we're talking about the dyevs who are still trying.

At a recent party, we noticed a phenomenon that would have seemed unimaginable in the golden Yeltsin era: yet another dyev wearing a Britney Spears midriff-baring halter top and low-cut jeans...only unlike the Yeltsin era, this shoulda-been-a-babe had rolls of midriff fat oozing over the sides of her jeans like bubbles of pricey crude pouring out of Siberia's lucrative oil wells.

And she was the hottest chick in the club.

Wha' happen'd?

"They're taking less drugs, and that's a big problem," observed Chris Karel, director of the Phlegmatic Dog, a popular spot for Moscow's new-generation ravers and Internet partiers. "These days Moscow girls hang out less with bandits, so they do fewer drugs and they don't take care of their figures like they used to. They're letting themselves go, and that's a real shame."

"In my opinion, there are fewer pretty girls than there were 10 years ago," said Vitaly Leba, president of the Red Stars modeling agency in Moscow. "Many pretty Muscovites have left the country."

"It's true, most of our girls are from the provinces," said a Red Stars secretary who gave her name as "Larissa." "It didn't always used to be like this. It's tough to say why, but something is up with girls from Moscow."

One eXpat, a British male who asked that he just be named "Brad," said that the decline of Moscow's dyevs is impossible to miss. "All of my friends talk about it," he said. "When we used to come to Moscow in the 1990s, it was like, 'Wow, my god!' You know? But now they're starting to look familiar. Their skin is getting worse, their bottoms are like hippopotamus arses. It's like, wait a minute, I'm not in America or the fucking Midlands, am I? Because these girls have got bad clothes and saggy asses. It's as if they're not taking care of themselves like they used to."

"They seem to have spent too much time looking to the West," observed Karel. "Now they're wearing lesbian shoes -- sensible shoes -- and baggy trousers and tank tops. They're not as appealing."

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Browse author
Email Mark Ames at

Douglas Kent’s Hit and Run :

The Viagra Challenge :

EXILE magazine's Person of the Year : When Mini Means Maximum Success
Finally, A Real Elitny Underground Club :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442