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The War Nerd April 1, 2004
War Nerd vs. the World
By Gary Brecher Browse author Email
Page 3 of 3
It's pathetic, like one of these local Fresno newstalk shows promising you they're going to have some hot celebrity on their next show, then coming up with a lame last-minute substitute guest: "With us today in place of that extraterrestrial we promised you is Fresno's sewage commissioner, who'll be talking to us about the exciting world of waste removal." Waste removal -- that's what the whole world of terror-war reporting is all about.

In between the Pakistan reports the networks kept piling on the depressing stories from Iraq. The biggest downer of all was the top Shiite mullah in Iraq saying that 9/11 was, and I quote, "a miracle from God." That's right: the Shites, I mean Shiites, who are supposed to be our natural allies, consider Al-Qaeda's sneak attack on American civilians "a miracle." Jeez, aren't you glad we spent 87 billion tax dollars and the lives of 500 GIs liberating these people?

Well, at least they love us for bringing democracy, right? Nope, because the next big Iraq story was a picture of US troops fighting Shiite mobs in the street because the US just shut down the Shiites' newspaper at gunpoint. It didn't look all that democratic, mobs in the street fighting American GIs who are trying to shut down a newspaper by force of arms.

Let's see, what other upbeat Iraqi stories were there this week? Oh yeah: another pitched battle between insurgents and the Marines who are replacing the 82nd in Fallujah. 16 people dead, dozens wounded, and nobody in the US forces has a clue about who hit us.

Intelligence -- that's what's missing with us in Iraq. And I mean both definitions of "intelligence." Starting with the military kind, as in "spies and snitches," or just plain "knowing who's shooting at you." Our intelligence in Iraq is as low as Geraldo Rivera's. No, below that, even -- because that moron is at least making money out of this stupid war...and us taxpayers are going to end up paying trillions for it.

For me, the last straw was when Richard Clarke told the patriotic truth and nobody cared. This guy is what I mean when I say there's a big difference between a patriot and a sucker. Clarke is an old-school patriot, the kind of man America used to be proud of, a guy who's spent his whole life defending the country, who loves the flag and doesn't give a shit for all the combat-dodging frat boys who dragged us into this Iraqi shit-swamp.

Clarke is the real thing, tough as whitleather, the way Americans used to be. He said the one simple thing nobody has the guts to say: Bush has ruined America by going after Iraq, when everybody knew Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.

Now the Iraqis are kicking our asses in public -- the Iraqis, goddamn it, the worst soldiers in the world! We turned them into warriors by invading their country with no spies, no snitches, no clue!

And you know why we didn't have that stuff? Because Bush and Wolfowitz really thought the Iraqis would thank us for invading them. There were no plans for counterinsurgency warfare because nobody was even allowed to mention the possibility that the Iraqis might not welcome us with open arms.

You hear a noise like geese honking? That's the French laughing at us! The Iraqis are beating us in the field and the French are smirking at us -- can anybody come up with a worse-case scenario than that? Bush and Wolfowitz should be hanged for treason!

I tried arguing all this stuff at the office. You know what they said? "Clarke's just trying to sell books!" All the Christian assholes nodded their little heads and smiled and walked away, with that "I'll be praying for you, Gary!" smile I hate more than anything in the world.

I'm living with 280 million morons. The XL Omega Man, that's me.

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Gary Brecher
Browse author
Email Gary at, but, more importantly, buy his book.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
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Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

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Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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