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PETER PAN

This is one of the more disturbing child molester movies that I've seen. I watched it on pirate DVD before leaving Moscow -- part of it, anyway.

First of all, it takes place in England, so already you know you're dealing with a bunch of sick fucking perverts. Then you have this precocious girl who's on the verge of growing tits and becoming a slut. On the verge? No, I take it back: she's ALREADY a slut, the way she makes Peter kiss her all the time.

What's worse is that the girl looks like a younger Austin Powers. She has his ugly buck teeth...oh wait, she's English, so that pretty much explains it.

"Yeah baby, fly for me Peter, you little fairy you! Shall we shag now or shall we do a shag-a-trois with that little Tinkerbell of yours?"

I know you think I'm joking, but this is a disturbingly sexual movie, and it doesn't even try to hide it. If you don't believe me, just remember this: Michael Jackson was obsessed with Peter Pan. And I can see why: Peter is this half-naked, hairless blond with a bare chest and a loin cloth over his hairless unit. He flies around, he's got curly blond hair, he's naive and curious, he's...every pedophile's dream.

It's movies like this that make me wonder, what the hell is wrong with society? Why am I called the sick one, and the people who make this and take their kids to see it are considered normal?

RATING

Three Pete Townsends. If you see Peter Pan in a movie theater, you might notice a lot of single middle-aged men wearing trench coats. They're, uh, doing "research." Yeah.

THE PASSION

Since this movie is still playing, and since my long review of The Passion was written with a mind befogged by too much drinking and fucking (this was when I still lived in Moscow, folks), I'll simply tell you this. Don't bother wasting your time or money on The Passion. If you want to know the real story, watch The Life of Brian. That movie says it all about Judeo-Christianity

SECRET WINDOW

Stephen King -- why can't someone just come out and say that Stephen King is a mediocre writer for mediocre minds. Okay, if I must, I'll be that someone.

I remember being terribly depressed as a 12-year-old when I first read Stephen King. I devoured horror fiction and "non-fiction" back then. Anything could scare the shit out of me. Darkness scared me. Eucalyptus trees scared me. My birthmark scared me. So I remember picking up this Stephen King book which had a pretty cool cover, reading it, and falling asleep every time around the 40-page mark. It was real Count Floyd stuff: "Oo kids, now I'm going to have uh...uh...an alienated nerd who's...just really scary, kids. And there'll be a man...yes, an old man in the woods. Scary, kids, isn't it? Awoooo!"

I consider myself a connoisseur of the intransitive verb "to be scared by" and so I just want to come out and say that Stephen King -- he ain't scary. He is to horror what the Olive Garden is to Italian food.

So why do people like him or find him scary? I don't know. Why do they read Herman Wouk? Why do the French think that Woody Allen got profound after Annie Hall? The answer is just that people are stupid and they're liars.

To give you an idea about how shitty Secret Window is, in spite of the fact that it stars Johnny Depp, it was pulled out of the multiplexes within a couple of weeks after opening. I didn't even have time to see it. I arrived in DC; I look in the paper and see Secret Window is playing in every goddamn mall in the greater mid-Atlantic area; and the next thing I know, I step outside to pick up the next morning's newspapers, and the fucking movie is already relegated to...Russia!

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