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In Brief June 10, 2004
 
In Brief
 
 

Homeless Mourn Reagan

NEW YORK (Weekly Standard) -- Hundreds of thousands of homeless Americans mourned the death of former president Ronald Reagan, whom they view as a hero and patron for cutting government funding of mental hospitals and welfare during his term.

"Before Reagan, man, they kept me in a mental hospital, which was really unfair," said one teary-eyed homeless man in Manhattan, who said his name was Jesus Christ. "You can't harass healthy people from a mental hospital, you know? You can't give 'em diseases or shit in public parks or rape joggers from a mental hospital. Thanks to Reagan, we were liberated."

Another homeless man, a veteran from the Vietnam War, agreed. "Before Reagan, my family lived on food stamps in government housing. We were victims of big government, man. Get off our backs, man. Then Reagan freed us, and we learned responsibility. When you have to earn your own cardboard box or shopping cart, you appreciate it. We stopped and smelled the roses, man. And then shat on them. My wife and kids just couldn't adjust. They died years ago of pneumonia, but that's the free market, man. Wait...hey, did you hear that? Don't make me do it, man!"

Most homeless people agree that it was no accident that Reagan died of pneumonia, the same disease that kills most homeless people. "We always did call pneumonia 'Reagan's Disease,'" said Christ. "He wanted to go out like a homeless man, and...he did. He was one of us, man. I miss him so much, I think I'll rename myself Ronald Reagan."
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