Mankind's only alternative 28   JAN.   23  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

The War Nerd August 19, 2004
Ossetia: Great Danes and Great Russians
By Gary Brecher Browse author Email
Page 3 of 3
See what I mean about how crazy this stuff seems to us Americans? All this fuss about a place with a population about one-fifth of Fresno's. But like I keep saying, and like the Bush people keep not figuring out, not everybody thinks like us.

The ones who are left in South Ossetia are the hard core, the ones who can't or won't leave, and they're backed by Russian "peacekeepers." Not all of those 70,000 are even Ossetians; some of the villages in the nominal breakaway region are Georgian, so there's no way even God himself could draw a clean border that would put all the Ossetians on one side and all the Georgians on the other.

Truth is, if God himself had to solve problems like this or Bosnia, He'd probably end up using Ethnic Cleansing Powder. It makes more sense and in the long run might even be less bloody than just letting the locals carve each other up from now till Doomsday.

But God's not involved here. The players are Russia, Georgia -- and us, as Georgia's new best pal. The CIA and the Georgians are very, very tight. The reason is the same reason as Iraq: oil. We want Caspian Sea oil, and the pipeline we're building to take that oil passes through goes through Georgia. Or more specifically, through Adzharia, and into Turkey. America armed and trained the Georgians so they could take back Adzharia, which they did. We got what we wanted, but Saakashvili wants more. He thinks it's a quid pro quo, and he wants South Ossetia too. The Russians don't like this at all, and the Ossetians side with the Russians. Or rather, they need the Russians.

The Georgians figured they were on a roll after doing their root-canal on Adzharia and they moved on to South Ossetia this year. The result was a war. A little, nasty war, the kind you get these days, mostly snipers and mortars. And of course the usual targets are civilians; both sides accuse the other of mortaring hospitals, and both are probably telling the truth. Because that's how war works nowadays. Civilian targets are preferred; they're easier to sight, they don't fire back, and since the whole point is to scare the ethnic enemy into running away, it just makes more sense to target them than the enemy army.

The Georgians say the Ossetian rebels are trying to scare Georgian villages into running south to Georgia. That's probably true; after all, it's exactly what the Georgians did to the South Ossetians in 1991. It worked for them, so why shouldn't the Ossetians do it?

Trouble is, the Georgians have the big guns, the money, and the backing -- America. The Georgian army even wears surplus US Army uniforms, and we've got advisors teaching them how to do everything from brush their teeth to sight their artillery pieces.

The only friends the Ossetians have are the Russians. And...well, I don't want to offend the people running the eXile now, but...well, let's put it this way: in the past -- not now, of course, just in the past -- having Russia for a friend was like having the worst enemy you could imagine. Russia -- in the past, just in the past! -- betrays every ally it ever had, from the Serbs to the Egyptians.

But now under the glorious reign of Mr. Putin, uh...that's all changed. Totally changed. So hey, you besieged South Ossetians, get ready for the glory of the Alanii to come back! With the new Russia on your side, you...uh...oh yeah: you can't lose!

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Gary Brecher
Browse author
Email Gary at, but, more importantly, buy his book.

Dubleya Standards : You Either Censor Our Way, Or the Highway

Douglas Kent’s Hit and Run :
Woe Is Wodehouse And His Biography : Robert McCrum and what’s wrong with literary biographies

Toxic Avenger? :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442