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Feature Story October 29, 2004
President Bush Assassinated!
A Patriot Falls

MAUMEE, OHIO -- America is in shock and mourning following the surprise assassination of President George W. Bush during a campaign rally yesterday in Maumee, Ohio.

The suspect, a white American male, was quickly subdued and transported to an undisclosed location. So far no group has claimed responsibility, and it is believed the gunman acted alone.

Bush received at least nine bullet wounds while delivering a stump speech to a friendly crowd of unemployed factory workers, many of whom identified with Bush's strong values and congenial personality.

"It was just like in a movie," said Randy Walker, a recently-laid-off 46-year-old auto parts assembler from Maumee. "I heard what sounded like firecrackers and the President slumped into the podium, gurgling. I figured he was just illustrating a point about tax and spend liberals because he just kept right on at Kerry, even after he shorted the mike out with his blood."

"He fought real hard, like a true hero," agreed Lance Tiggs, a 32-year-old Army mechanic who lost both of his legs in Iraq and has since stumped for Bush.

The President, who had lost all vital life signs within minutes, was quickly airlifted to an emergency care facility in Cleveland, where he warned his surgeon and nurses that John Kerry would have big government telling them how to run their lives.

"It was heartbreaking," said Dr. Morris Feingold, Bush's surgeon. "He just didn't understand how grave his situation was."

At 2:54 p.m., as he was praising the Iraqi people for taking more responsibility for their lives, the President was pronounced dead. In a hasty ceremony reminiscent of Lyndon B. Johnson's assumption of power in 1963, Vice President Dick Cheney immediately took the oath of office, which he consummated by sucking from Bush's head wound and eating his heart. "It's an old Indian thing," he explained.

Across the country, Americans set aside their differences and bonded together as a nation. In Boston, after the World Series was canceled with the Red Sox up 10-0 in the sixth inning of Game 4, Democratic party activists held a somber "American Unity" prayer ceremony headed by George Steinbrenner and Senator Zell Miller. Farther south, in Tampa, blacks agreed to refrain from voting in order to give local white poll monitors time to grieve.

However, unrest broke out in several parts of the country. In one of the worst incidents, Bush supporters in La Jolla, California rampaged in their golf carts through South San Diego's Latino neighborhoods, setting fire to trees and forcing thousands to flee their homes.

The National Guard was called up in twenty-nine states in order to maintain order. Due to the Iraq war, the severely-depleted Guard was forced to supplement its numbers with private militias and paintball teams. Unconfirmed reports say that Canadian Mounties are massing at the U.S. border and are prepared to intervene "if asked."

The eXile's Special Assassination Supplement was conceived, composed and performed by Jeff Koyen, editor-in-chief of the New York Press, along with eXile editors Jake Rudnitsky and Mark Ames, and eXile designer-babe Dasha Mol'.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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