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Kino Korner November 26, 2004
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

Alfie

What They Say: Remake of the 1960's Michael Caine film of the same name, Alfie portrays the lighter side of life as a successful Alfonse (get it?). After moving to New York, Jude Law begins his remarkably STD free journey into the hearts and bedrooms of nearly every representative of the American female demographic. After the thrill of sex has gone, Law asks the all important question: What's it all about, Alfie?

What We Say: Shot surprisingly well, with Law's camera-facing narrative a nice innovation ono the original film. We were particularly pleased that Long Duck Dong of Sixteen Candles fame was cast as Law's boss. Perhaps this film is a signal that the American 30 year sex draught is over, and we can all return home to a country populated by silicone augmented bisexual hotties.

The Lowdown: Boogie Nights meets Friends.

Best Bit: Long Duck Dong tries to demonstrate his acting range by crying after his wife leaves him.

Starring: Jude Law, Susan Sarandon, silicone augmented bisexual hotties.

Rating:: 3/5

Playing: Gorbushka.

Cellular

What They Say: Kim Bassinger is a MILF held captive in the attic of a Los Angeles gang's hideout, with her only chance of survival resting in the hands of Nokia's mobile technology and a shirtless guy. After receiving a chance anonymous telephone call from Bassinger pleading for help, said shirtless guy must race to foil the bad guys before they waste Bassinger's family.

What We Say: A 90 minute product placement show for Ford, Nokia, Office Depot and Coca-Cola, this film strives to bring all the energy of a Cannes Lyons tv ad awards festival to the nation's big screen. If product placement on anything and everything is the future then maybe we should book ad space on Moscow's ever growing whore population, with up to three choice areas available per unit location. Please write to the eXile to receive a 2005 rate card.

The Lowdown: Run Lola Run meets Saatchi and Saatchi.

Best Bit: Bassinger uses the power of her 10th grade biology training to take down a LAPD spec ops office during hand to hand combat.

Starring: Kim Bassinger, shirtless guy.

Rating:: 2/5

Playing: Russian theatres.

The Incredibles

What They Say: After a series of civil damage lawsuits, the nation's superheroes are forced into a federal relocation program, which prohibits them from committing any further acts of supernatural heroism. After 15 years of adjustment, a new menace threatens the world, and the Incredibles, now married with children, are forced out of retirement.

What We Say: Another film trying to capture a majority market segment by attempting to subtly-yet-cynically sneer at itself and its tastes and sense of nostalgia. Testament to the fact that Generation X has now found real jobs, and has graduated to the coveted status of "target market." Perhaps we would have believed in the sincerity of this film if we didn't know that each scene was tested on focus groups to obtain the maximum cynicism/viewer ratio possible. Still, the focus groups worked, because we enjoyed the film. Anyone wanna run on my lab rat wheel?

The Lowdown: X-Men meets On Golden Pond.

Best Bit: After his return to superheroism, Mr. Incredible looks down to see the gut that has crept up on him over the past few years.

Starring: The voices of Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, and Jason Lee.

Rating:: 4/5

Playing: Garbushka.

Saw

What They Say: After waking up chained in an abandoned industrial toilet, a photographer and a doctor are given eight hours to figure their way out of their captor's game or face grave consequences.


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FROM THE VAULT
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Nine Years, Nine Whores, Nine Hours :

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