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Mankind's only alternative

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[SIC!] December 10, 2004


Please Mark do not call my country Bolivia shitty third world country, you vocabulary must be better than that, it is a put down please being a writer I do not know you you are, I hear in a Bolivian e mail group that you are a good writer, also I see you are in mother Russia. so please. Si that is all.


Carlos Barron

Dear Sr. Barron,

You’re right, calling Bolivia a shitty third world country is an insult to shitty third world countries. Bolivia is in fact not even a country—it’s just shitty. By the way, we just got a letter from some friends in Chile, and they said they’re enjoying the beach in Antofagasta, you know, the province that they seized from you in the war in 1879. "Enjoying the sun and surf, even though we Chileans don’t need it since we have so much beachline. If we hadn’t taken this beach, it would have just been part of a shitty third world country. Instead, it’s part of an irrelevant country with a free-trade treaty with the US. Boy are we lucky!"


My name is Dois Gene Chip Tatum. I have just been released from U.S. Federal Prison by President Bush ( inmate number 26072-013). The murder of my cousin, Paul Tatum has not been settled. Therefor I shall settle this.


Dear Mr. Pegasus,

Nothing strikes terror into the hearts of the Russian Mafiosi more than an angry American ex-con named "Chip."


War Nerd,

As a military victory, the American invasion of Iraq is an unprecedented victory. From the outset in planning the invasion, to the future day when the last of the needed oil is exported, Americans rewrote, and are rewriting, the state of the art in warfare.

The primary goals of the Iraq invasion were accomplished in record time. The war was won with an astonishingly small number of American troops on the ground. The job was accomplished with an almost unheard of low number of American casualties. American forces covered a never seen before distance with never seen before quickness -- and that has to be said of both the mobilization to the Gulf Region and the invasion of Iraq itself. An all time low amount of ordinance (ammo) did an all time high ratio of damage to personnel, facilities, and equipment. The moral of the enemy was, and is, the only part of the war that the US hasn't completely controlled. But maybe, just maybe, this is an area where the Americans couldn't do a much better job then they have. It's hard to say.

By historical comparison, this isn't a war, it's a turkey shoot. It's a mistake to compare the Iraq invasion with any other war in history. This level of success is unprecedented. This level of superiority has never been seen before, not even in the cases where Europeans met with stone-age peoples during the Age of Imperialism.

I'm not saying I like it, I'm just calling it like it is. I admit that I like to see Iraqis drop dead, and I don't want the price of gas to shoot up over $5 a gallon just yet. But I have a bit of remorse when I contemplate the fact that an armed revolution against the US has a snowball's chance in hell. Today, it would take less than 100 American troops only a couple days to do the job that all of the Federal Armies did in the entire Civil War. All they would need is a single unmanned drone for surveillance, and a 30 year old AC-130 Gunship. The South wouldn't know what hit them, because the Feds would operate only at night. And the Feds wouldn't even lose a single man. But why even use a plane? Just a drone and a modest number of cruse missiles could do the job. And it's a funny thing, because the Southern Armies never had much of a chance even then. Today... it's just too much tyranny to contemplate.

What we are seeing today isn't a military quagmire in the traditional sense, as much as it's a ruling over Planet Earth quagmire.


Dear Mr. Prescott,

You’re so right, and Brecher is so wrong. So let us make it up to you by offering you a one-way ticket to Iraq. We’ll provide you with a pith helmet and a swagger stick, since that's all you'd really need if we controlled Iraq the way the British did. If you don’t mind, once we’ve dropped you off we’re going to have a pilotless drone record the action to see how many seconds you last. We think the video of your triumphant landing could be a big hit, sort of like Bum Fights, only much faster and much funnier.

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Her Majesty’s Gopniks : Why The Russian Stereotype Of Us Brits Is All Wrong. And Why The Truth Is Much, Much Worse.


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
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Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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