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Kino Korner December 24, 2004
 
Kino Kwikeez
2005 re-kap By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

Well folks, 2005 is coming to a close, and when it comes to the wacky world of cinema, oh what a year it was. It never does justice to the industry to try to put together a year-end list, but the eXile's shareholders said it would be good for business - and good for social accord -- if we did one in the Kwikeez Korner. So here they are, the Kino Kwikeez year-end Re-Kap. You may want to cut this list out and take it with you next time you shop at Gorbushka. Just a helpful hint, from the helpful folks at the eXile.

Colin Farrell Film of the Year

Not unlike the gaffer or the best boy, Colin Farrell has become an unexplained ubiquitous presence in all recent Hollywood productions. This year, despite North American release dates coming much earlier, we in Moscow are proud to boast a particularly strong concentration of 2004 Farrellosity, nominees including:

A Home at the End of the World

  • Alexander
  • A Home at the End of the World
  • Intermission
  • S.W.A.T.
  • Veronica Guerin
  • The Recruit

This year's winner is A Home at the End of the World, where Farrell plays a Garth Algar wig- wearing bisexual, confused as to whether he's a playboy or a playgirl. It's always easier to come across as more convincing when you play yourself. Yes, it was a very Farrellingus-y year indeed.

Holocaust Inspired Film 2004

Few things seem to rake in the Oscars or box office receipts as does a good holocaust theme-flick. The Germans should really have picked a less entrepreneurially spirited demographic to ethnically cleanse, cuz they're going to be hearing about this for a long time yet. This year's top pick is:

I am David.

I am David

A genuinely good production, despite our personal bias against any film inspiring German guilt, this film manages to achieve festival level quality. And reparations-level guilt.

Cool War Scenes Dragged Down By Long, Slow Humanitarian Drama Scenes Film of the Year

Every year Hollywood rolls out a zillion war flicks. Of those, if you're lucky, one or two will get your war gore going. But even the few films that do war right always have to have about an 80 percent slow-time human-interest drama part. Is it for the chicks? Or is it a dynamics thing? As Butt-head once said about Radiohead's "Creep": "It's like, if they didn't have the slow part that sucks, then the fast part that rocks wouldn't sound so cool." This year's "Creep"-like war movie had to be:

Master And Commander

The opening ship battle scene really made you sick, thinking of all those splinters and severed limbs in the days before morphine. Then after that, it slows down because the sensitive guy playing opposite Russell Crow's manly man wants to do some exploring on the Galapagos. History is mangled a thousand times over, as the Brits come off as good guys and the French evil, even though at the time of the battle, America was allied with France against England. Can't have that in the era of Coalitions of the Willing.

Generally Good Actor Who Shouldn't Ever Do Comedy Film of the Year

Despite method acting and extensive training, some things are simply not right. John Wayne doesn't do musicals and Traci Lords is not the French Lieutenant's Wife. Well, I take that last one back. This year's winner is:

Analyze That

What the fuck was de Niro thinking? Oh how the mighty have fallen. The only thing that belongs next to Billy Crystal is a flashing "laugh" and "applaud" sign so the audience knows when to react to his boring material. After slipping on a banana peel. Funny stuff.

Incredibly Anticipated Crap

You wait, you read the articles, you have to deal with E! verbally masturbating you for an entire year. The anticipated moment finally arrives and you make your way to the theatre, video rental or pirate kiosk, eagerly hoping to quench the need. Ninety minutes later, you find yourself a worse person than before the debacle began. This year's winner is:

Matrix: Revolutions

At best, this film can be quantified as My Dinner With Andre meets hippy Dune. At worst, it's like a long Sprokets skit, only without a monkey to pet. There's no way that asinine dialogue intermixed with non innovative CGI graphics can satisfy anyone except Keanu Reeves' publicist. Anyone who enjoyed this movie should be sterilized. I want 1.5 hours of my life back from these people.

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