Land of the Dead
28 months after the invasion of Iraq, when even the stupidest and most trusting Americans are beginning to realize that the war has been a catastrophe, the zombies who got us into this nightmare still won't face their policy's demise. 28 months after the start of that idiotic war, Big Daddy himself, the slow-witted, human-flesh-consuming President Bush, shuffled before the nation for his big pro-war pow-wow this past Tuesday...only to say that things are going well, and all America needs to do is more of the same.
They're the most conceited zombies in history, preening in front of the mirror, convinced they look great as the pus streams down their drooling, rotting faces. Is it a coincidence that ever since the invasion of Iraq, we've suddenly been deluged with zombie flicks, from 28 Days Later to the Dawn of the Dead remake... and now, George Romero just released Land of the Dead, his first zombie flick in 20 years. No, it's not - because the zombies are among us.
It's time for an intervention, to force the zombies to face the fact that they and their entire culture are through, kaput, dead-dead-deadsky. That's why the eXile's professional Death Consultants have put months of planning into designing individual "Extinction Packages" designed to fit each of our 28 zombies, from the most humble rightwing letter-to-the-editor writing nutcase to the leaders of our Zombie Nation. Remember, the lesson from Dawn of the Dead was that you can't ever stop taking these people utterly seriously, because even as slow and dumb as they are, their desire to consume human flesh is relentless. So even if you think you know this, and you think everyone else does, fact is, you're wrong - you need to be reminded of this over and over and over...or you'll wind up like the white SWAT guy, getting your calf bitten off by the undead, eventually transforming into one yourself...
ZOMBIE #1: Thomas Freidman
Quote: "The failure of the Bush team to produce any weapons of mass destruction (W.M.D.'s) in Iraq is becoming a big, big story. But is it the real story we should be concerned with? No. It was the wrong issue before the war, and it's the wrong issue now. Why? Because there were actually four reasons for this war: the real reason, the right reason, the moral reason and the stated reason."
--Thomas Friedman, June 4, 2003, New York Times
Extinction Package: Does Tom's babbling make any sense? Good golly no! Why not? Because WMDs were the reason Americans backed the war. Do we know why Friedman wants to change the subject? Yes. Well, why? Because he was up to his mustache in the pro-war propaganda offensive. What should we do? We should have a special game show called Little Tommy Friedman's Q&A! How will it work? Simple! We put Tommy center stage, standing on a big trap door. We ask him to tell us the names of all the 1800-odd GIs who have died so far. If he forgets a name, the trap door opens. Underneath is...Lynndie England! Yes, that's right, leash-lady herself, in full latex bondage gear! Tommy falls into Lynndie's clutches and she introduces him to pain, pain such as he's never known, pain so intense it becomes pleasure...and then it becomes pain again. For starters she'll wax his mustache off and force him to apply it to her, uh, "genital region" with his tongue. Will he understand why we're doing this to him? No. But that's OK, because the real reason isn't the real reason at all. It's a fake reason, and that's good enough for us. And for Friedman.
ZOMBIE #2: Ann Coulter
Quote: "The war [in Iraq] has been a magnificent success...Liberals carp about every bombing. We're not liberating Ohio here. After we won the war in 17 days flat, with amazingly few casualties, they complained about some museum pottery being broken."