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Feature Story July 1, 2005
 
28 Months Later
The eXile takes on the Pro War Zombies By John Dolan Browse author Email
 
Page 2 of 10
 

And, advocating the use of racial profiling:

"When there's a 100 percent chance, it ceases to be a profile -- it becomes a suspect description. They all have the same hair color, eye color. They're all males. Half of them have the name Muhammad."

Ann Coulter in a speech at Northwestern Univ. Nov. 21, 2003

Extinction Package: Oh Annie, you little fascist flirt! You can't shut up about those short, dark and hairy Middle Eastern men, can you? Why don't you just admit it: you think about them every night, after your closet-gay NeoCon "date" drops you back at the apartment so he can meet Jeff Gannon. After downing that fifth or sixth gin-and-Percocet cocktail all alone you just can't stop thinking of giving yourself utterly to a mob of writhing, grasping, throbbing Saddam clones. Well, don't worry, we'll give you your chance at happiness. Remember that scene from Apocalypse Now where a half-dozen Playboy Bunnies pop out of a chopper to tease a crowd of sex-starved GIs? You're going to be the girl in the cake when the chopper touches down in Karbala, the Shias' sacred city. We found out that that fat Imam, Sadr, has a biiiig crush on you, and his Mahdi Army guys feel the same way. Now Annie, we've gotta keep those guys with us while we deal with the goddamn Sunnis, and you're part of the deal. We, uh, sold you to them. They may carp about every bombing for a while and they might be a little rough with you at first, but Hell, you know you want it.

ZOMBIE #3: Dick Cheney

Quote: "The level of activity that we see today from a military standpoint, I think, will clearly decline. I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency."

Dick Cheney, June 20, 2005 on Larry King Live

After picking up a dictionary, he later clarified:

"If you look at what the dictionary says about throes, it can still be a violent period, the throes of a revolution," he said.

Extinction Package: As Cheney points out, no matter how long the throes last, there can be only one outcome: death. The sooner the victim accepts that, the better. We've arranged for Cheney to show the nation how to face hard facts by putting him alive in a special lead-lined, titanium-plated Executive Coffin. As viewers look on, a team of professional welders will secure the lid, and Cheney will be buried under several tons of concrete. Thanks to our patented "Flatliner Screen" in-coffin TV, he'll be able to enjoy PGA tournaments and Fox News as he waits for the throes to subside. Dick may have a few quibbles as the concrete is poured, but a special morale-boosting intercom system allows our Death Counselors to reassure him: "Don't worry, Mister Vice-President, it's just those pesky throes! They'll go away once you've used up your oxygen!"

ZOMBIE #4: Ken Adelman

Quote: "I believe demolishing Hussein's military power and liberating Iraq would be a cakewalk. Let me give simple, responsible reasons: (1) It was a cakewalk last time; (2) they've become much weaker; (3) we've become much stronger; and (4) now we're playing for keeps."

--Ken Adelman, Feb 13, 2003 in the Washington Post

Extinction Package: Well, QE fuckin' D. Aristotle himself would be awed by Adelman's awesome display of classical logic. He even numbered his arguments! The man deserves a chance to take his crystal-clear intellect where it will do the most good. The eXile will put Ademlan in a toga, jam a laurel wreath on his head and send him to the Abu Ghraib cafeteria to start his own academy, enlightening his Muslim disciples on long, leisurely strolls. We've instructed the MPs to ignore any screams from Adelman after his excited pupils have dragged him back to their cells. These intellectual discussions can get pretty heated.


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The Messiah Is Mobile : Jesus called, and he wants his old number back

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The Theory Of Dyevolution :
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