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Feature Story July 1, 2005
 
28 Months Later
The eXile takes on the Pro War Zombies By John Dolan Browse author Email
 
Page 3 of 10
 

ZOMBIE #5: Bill Kristol, Weekly Standard Editor

Quote: "Iraq should become a democracy. After all, the president has repeatedly cast the impending war as an effort to bring democracy to a land that for decades has known only dictatorship. Having defeated and then occupied Iraq, democratizing the country should not be too tall an order for the world's sole superpower."

Extinction Package: Bill should have a chance to show the power of his faith. After all, faith can move mountains. So we've arranged for Bill to be placed in a cell with food and water just out of reach across the bars. He SHOULD be able to make the supplies come to him just like Iraq SHOULD become a democracy. If not, we plan to sell his starved, desiccated corpse to Disneyland, where it should make a cool addition to Pirates of the Caribbean. Proceeds will go to paying off the multi-trillion cost of Billy's war.

ZOMBIE #6: Fred Hiatt, Opinion Page Editor, Washington Post

Quote: "It is hard to imagine how anyone could doubt that Iraq possesses weapons of mass destruction."

-- Feb 6, 2003, Washington Post

Extinction Package: It's hard to imagine how anyone could doubt that Fred, who runs the Editorial Page of the Post as a subsidiary of Pentagon PR, has richly earned an assisted suicide. But we want to give Fred a fighting chance, so we're sending him on a fun treasure hunt though occupied Iraq. With the help of an eXile goon squad, Hiatt will swallow a vial of sulfuric acid designed to dissolve in 72 hours, then sent on his way to hunt for WMDs. The rules: if he finds any WMDs in that time, we cut him open and remove the vial. If not, it dissolves and he dies in excruciating pain. We plan to video the hijinks which ensue as Fred runs around asking the locals for help finding those elusive WMDs, overcoming cultural problems as he tries to show by gestures what a nuclear bomb looks like. In the climactic final episode of our "Hiatt Hunt" Reality TV miniseries (working title: "Fred Faces Facts"), Hiatt's wanderings come to a hilarious end as he sits on a rock in the Iraqi wasteland, as his 72-hour deadline approaches with no WMDs in sight. As the first trickles of acid contort his frame, Fred will perform an actual cakewalk, the only cakewalk to come out of the entire war.

ZOMBIE #7: Christopher Hitchens

Quote: "So it turns out that all the slogans of the anti-war movement were right after all. And their demands were just. "No War on Iraq," they said - and there wasn't a war on Iraq. Indeed, there was barely a "war" at all...."Stop the War" was the call. And the "war" is indeed stopping. That's not such a bad record."

--Christopher Hitchens, April 9, 2003, Slate.com

Extinction Package: We've got to get Hitchens to the Sunni Triangle ASAP! Those poor GIs and Iraqis have been living a lie, killing and dying in a war that never happened! All it should take is a bullhorn and a two-liter bottle of gin - the bullhorn so Hitchens can walk the streets of Falluja and Ramadi telling everybody the good news that there's no war, and the gin bottle because - well, frankly, he says he won't come out of his room without it. And he may need the bottle to console him as he goes about his job enlightening the deluded, because there may be resistance to his clearheaded view.

ZOMBIE #8: Yaron Brook

Quote: "We want to see the rules of engagement in Iraq change totally. The only way to win this insurgency is for America to be a lot more brutal. We should start bringing the consequences of this war to the civilians who are harboring terrorists and insurgents. We brought the Japanese people to their knees, and that is the only way you can establish democracy in a culture that is opposed to freedom."


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