O'Reilly, "O'Reilly Factor," February 12, 2004.
Extinction Package: We're going to put a little spin here, and say that O'Reilly actually promised to eat a family-size cereal box full of scorpions fresh from the deserts of Iraq. Just because it would be such great TV. He may want to quibble, but with a gun at his head he'll start chowing down eventually. And no matter what he said, the world will be better off without him, just like he said about Saddam after backing down on the apology.
ZOMBIE #12: Paul Wolfowitz, former Deputy Defence Secretary
Quote: "For bureaucratic reasons we settled on one issue, weapons of mass destruction, because it was the one reason everyone could agree on."
Vanity Fair, July 2003
Extinction Package: Paul, I'm sure you'll understand that it's purely for bureaucratic reasons that we've settled on one person, you, to take the fall for the whole mess. You were the one person everyone could agree on. We've arranged for you to be slathered with honey, then staked to an anthill to be devoured morsel by morsel. The whole thing is going to be primetime on Al-Jazeera, we're gonna call it, "From Us to You: A Gesture of Reconciliation." It's absolutely not personal. It's just the kind of gesture that our R&D shows might get those damn towelheads to cool off. If we were you we'd call Limbaugh before they stake you out. He's got some great analgesics.
ZOMBIE #13: Rush Limbaugh
Quote: "In a couple of years, when things calm down, the oil spigots will be on, now these pansies (French and Germans) want in so they can be a part of it".
Radio broadcast, 2003
Extinction Package: Rush has always regretted not having the chance to serve his country. We're going to rectify that. Rush will be forcibly enlisted in the 1st Marine Division, assigned to Anbar Province, and given a chance to show those pansies how it's done. He's lost weight, he's in the best shape of his life, and our reports show he's insisted on being the first man through the door in every house-to-house search. We've arranged for "Casualty-Cam" to be affixed to his helmet so viewers can see up close what noises he makes when his unarmored Humvee rolls over that IED.
ZOMBIE #14: Judith Miller, Reporter/Cheerleader from the New York Times
Quote: Articles like "Defectors Bolster U.S. Case Against Iraq," NY Times, January 24, 2003, and "CIA Hunts Iraq Tie to Soviet Smallpox"
New York Times, Dec. 3, 2002
Extinction Package: These were just one of hundreds of totally faked WMD stories Miller planted in the leadup to the war. The latter story about Iraq-Soviet smallpox was a beauty, with the hint of Russophobia to spice the usual Arab-baiting. Best of all, this wasn't about some low-rent disease like Anthrax but smallpox, the most terrifying disease in the world, "the very filth'ness of Pandora's box" in Dryden's words. Which got us to thinkin'...how could Judith, a real looker, pay for her crime in starting a war on nonexistent "evidence"? Well, it came to us in a flash (and a vial): give her a dose of her own medicine! Let the pox eat away her face - smallpox used to do some gross things to survivors' faces - and then stop it before it kills her. She'll have plenty of time to think about journalistic responsibility every time she puts her Khiels' seaweed mask on...and peels it off with yet another layer of her rotting pox-infested facial flesh.
ZOMBIE #15: Sean Hannity
Quote: "With the capture of Saddam Hussein the war in Iraq is largely over... " (pp. 271 -- 272).
Sean Hannity, "Deliver Us From Evil," 2004.