Yes, the war is over Sean! And as your personal peace dividend, the eXile is sending you and a friend on an all Xpenses paid tour of peaceful Iraq. Yes, you and a friend will have loads of fun zooming up and down the highways of Iraq in an extra-wide "Freedom Wagon" Winnebago painted with our special Stars'n'Stripes detailing. At night you can camp anywhere in this hospitable land, enthralling the natives with your rantings about freedom and democracy. One thing though: life insurance not included. Not unless we're the beneficiaries. It's strictly business, Sean.
ZOMBIE #16: David Brooks
Quote: "[O]ne thing is for sure: since we don't have the evidence upon which to pass judgment on the overall trajectory of this war, it's important we don't pass judgment prematurely...It's just wrong to seek withdrawal now, when the outcome of the war is unknowable and when the consequences of defeat are so vast."
-David Brooks, June 23, 2005, New York Times
Extinction Package: In his 2000 book Bobos in Paradise, Brooks offers his readers coy, flattering "satire" of their SUV-drivin', cappuccino-drinking ways blended with equally yuk-filled warmongering. Way back before the big debacle, he was joshin' about those silly folks who thought we were getting ourselves into a mess in Iraq. He had a ball needling those Nervous Nellies in his cute li'l columns. And he's stayed the course, bravely ignoring reality through more than two years of catastrophe. The man needs help. And we're here to give it, in a form that should have Dave chuckling through his screams. Brooks will be strapped into a Humvee under a giant funnel filled with Starbuck's latte. When the funnel opens, Brooks' little pink face will look just like a marshmallow - a screaming, gyrating marshmallow - floating on that yummy, creamy foam. And he'll suddenly understand what it feels like to get hit with an RPG on patrol in Baquba.
ZOMBIE #17: Geraldo Rivera
Quote: "You had a feeling in [the recent Iraqi elections], a kind of a family feeling... An exciting day, a historic day here in Iraq. It is the dawn of freedom."
Extinction Package: Geraldo gets his wish at last! We're sending him to mingle with his new "family," the people of Iraq, without all his Fox News bodyguards getting in the way. The eXile will fit Jerry with our patented string burqa - the mustache won't be a problem, since most of the local girls have bigger ones than his - and send him into the Falluja streets to do some mingling. When we yank the string, the burqa comes away and Rivera is revealed. We're expecting a great moment in video, sort of a cross between Benny Hill and Dawn of the Dead, as the crowds tear off various appendages. There'll be especially fierce competition for the mustache. Expect different insurgents to be wearing his bloodied mustache as a disguise to carry out surprise attacks in the future.
ZOMBIE #18: Michael McFaul
Quote: "Regime change in Iraq must be the next application of the liberty doctrine. Ultimately, military force will have to be deployed to achieve this outcome....Some argue that Iraq does not support bin Laden or al Qaeda. Even if the direct link cannot be proven, there is little doubt that Saddam Hussein and bin Laden share similar objectives in the short term. Treating them as allies dedicated to the weakening and destruction of liberty, therefore, is justified."
Michael McFaul, "The Liberty Doctrine," Policy Review, April 2002 (Hoover Institute)
Extinction Package: As a professor, Mikey McFaul should know that omitting the fact that Hussein and bin Laden were always sworn enemies with opposing ideologies kind of trumps the Monty Python logic of his last sentence, which states that even if there is no evidence of a link between one enemy and another country, that doesn't mean there isn't a possibility of that link, so therefore, the other country must be invaded. Clearly, Michael McFaul needs to have the eXile doctrine applied to him, and the only way to effect this is through brain change. McFaul's brain, that is. Ultimately, what will have to happen is that an ancient rusty surgical device resembling an awl must be used to stuff original papyrus manuscripts of the collected works of Aristotle into McFaul's ear until his zombie brain matter begins to spill out of his other ear. Bringing logic into the brain of Michael McFaul will be difficult, but it will make the world a safer place.