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[SIC!] September 9, 2005
 
[sic]
 
 

ENVY

Salnikov

Son of a logo wearing bitch... you are back!!! I stopped reading exile for a while cause I missed the noveau riche idiotic morn callen Salvikov.... the epitomy of the russian rednecks newly rich fuckers... cruising all over Europe... I am being polite and let the fucker russians go first and then no thanks nothing.... you moronic bastards look like Northern Europeans and someone is trying to treat you that way, instead you are a no manner peasant who's father stole money and you are playing it descendant of Queen Catherine... go back to your Lada, your volga, your $3 pants you dirt piece of shit. I am glad you are back on the other hand, cause you are good for my mental health, I can take it out on you... you make me sick, the phrase 'dick with ears' was invented when your picture was posted on the internet, you empty soul... what soul, you have no soul, you are a dog in the street, you are a waste of the oxygen that you breath you moron.

George P

Dear Mr. P,

Salnikov would love to answer your letter, but unfortunately, he's a little tied up right now running his father's bank, shopping in Milan, and slapping around rich teenaged model-level babes. Once he's through, he's sure to put you on his "To Do" list.

GOTCHA KATYA!

Dear Editor,

Friends sent me the link to your website and instead of working I am reading it all day. Is it because August is so relaxing work-wise or because you are writing 'genious stuff'? :)

Katya.

Dear Katya,

We haven't been able to say this for quite awhile in the [sic] laboratory, what with all these male neocon letters that we've been deluged with thanks to the Great Brecher/Hanson Feud of 2005. But anyway, here goes. Ahem. Ahhem! AhhHHHhem! Sorry, gotta clear our throats here before we ask this question of you, Katya. You being a chick and all. Bear with us, it's been awhile. And like, you're name's Katya, so you can imagine the kind of fires your name, and your adoring letter, lights in our loins. So here goes, Katya. Ready? Ahhem. AhhhHHOIK! Thew! Aghhghhem! Ahem! Okay, throat's cleared now. It's this whole getting-older thing, phlegm in the throat and all that. But you probably don't want to hear about...jeez, what the heck are we saying here? We're such fools. Stupid, stupid, stupid! She's going to be all grossed out! Okay, shuttup, stop-stop-stop. Here goes, okay? Ready? Aghem. 'Hem. Here it is, Katya. Ahem. "Katya, could you please send us a...AGGHEM!" Wait a second. Two seconds, okay? [Muffled, off-camera: "Ahem! AGGHEM! Khhhooiiik! KHHHOOOIIIIKKHHH! Aghem! Shit. It's still there. AgghhHHEM! KHHHOOIIIK! THEW! Got it! Oops, sorry Flounder! Sorry dude. Here, use this paper towel to wipe it off. No, it's still sticking to your sleeve. Here, we'll get it. There, gone."] Okay, better now. 'Hem, 'hem. "Katya, could you please send us a jpeg of your lungbutter?"

TROPIC OF SNAPPERCORN

Dear Mark,

As we all revel in the death of this Kushnir d-bag, I cannot help but ask if it has already occurred to you that this might be a cautionary tale for Expat sleazes like you and me. Perhaps, it is not a good idea to bang hookers, or anyone, from the Hungry Duck for that matter.

Seriously, this could have been you or me! I'm willing to bet you've taken home a dyev from the Duck more than once. This guy sounds just like you, he's even the same age as you. He was "president@whatever" you are editor@exile.ru. Are you telling me that you don't want to be famous too? Isn't that why you are writing all these atavistic male/Henry Miller style accounts in your paper? I mean, what happens if you piss off the wrong middle aged whore the next time you do the Viagra Challenge? I mean, do you really want your legacy to be that, "Mark Ames was smothered to death by a 200 pound latent babushka from Vladimir in a Stalinka apartment after trying to fuck her in the ass for the tenth time." Well, maybe, that is what you want.

But I am not writing to you to discuss such matters, I was wondering about something else. Should you be murdered by angry-middle-aged Russian hookers, could I write your Death Porn article? I think it could be my springboard into greatness.

Love, your friend,

Tyler Purviance

P.S. I like cheese

Dear Mr. Purviance,

Not a bad letter, but you failed to mention that you're planning to buy Ames' new book, "Going Postal," due out in a few weeks. And yes, you can pre-order it online at amazon.com. Folks, if you want to be in the running for a free t-shirt, you must provide proof of purchase of Ames' new book. That's right, each book has a coupon in the back that you cut out, and if you send it in, you get a [sic] t-shirt and a Mark Ames action figure. It hacks, it hawks, it complains that its stomach doesn't feel well, and it's always flaccid! Hurry, while supplies last!


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FROM THE VAULT

Your Letters :
[SIC!]
Your Letters :
[SIC!]
Your Letters :
Destricted Sucks
Destricted: But is it Porn? : Pretentious porn film gets anal-yzed
 

 
 
 
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