Green Street Hooligans
What They Say: After being expelled from an American Ivy League university, wimpy ass Elijah Wood joins a London gang of football (soccer to you Americans) hooligans and proceeds to drink lots of beer and wave his arms at other gangs in that my-elbow-joints-no-longer-bend sort of menacing way.
What We Say: While the U.S. continues to make denial films depicting wartime glories, the Brits for some reason have been churning out equal quantities of flicks portraying the English as having really scary gangs. There's nothing scary about hair gel and Burberry. It's The Warriors in drag. Shouldn't gangs have guns and bitches? We'd like to see these guys stand down the Crips for just five minutes. That'd give them something to "oi" about.
The Lowdown: Colors meets Priscilla: Queen of the Desert.
Best Bit: Wood's bloody face.
Starring: Elijah Wood, Charlie Hunnam, Claire Forlani, Marc Warren, Leo Gregory.
Playing: Pirate DVD kiosks
What They Say: A bunch of intergalactic rebels are at war with the Imperial Alliance during which a quasi-hunky captain pilots a smuggling ship across the galaxy harboring rebels with the Alliance hot on their tail. Umm, haven't we seen this one already sometime in the late 70's?
What We Say: We gotta admit, we liked it. Unlike every other film which is a shameless remake of a 70's classic, this one at least tries to make us believe that it's not Star Wars. It's sort of like pretending that Oasis plays original music. Unfortunately, we watched it dubbed into Russian so the dialogue came across as something between surly and whiny. Some chick whose real name is Summer played a chick named River. Fuck.
The Lowdown: Rolex watches meets Fendi handbags.
Best Bit: Little hippy Summer kicking space cannibal ass. Her parents surely must have frowned upon such behavior.
Starring: Nathan Fillion, Gina Torres, Alan Tudyk, Morena Baccarin, Adam Baldwin, Summer Glau.
Playing: America Cinema
What They Say: Directed by Opie Cunningham, who brought us such classics as Apollo 13 and Night Shift, this yarn tells the real life tale of broke po' ass 1930's boxer Jim Braddock who resurrects himself from a dead career to take the heavyweight title in 1935. If we've spoiled the ending for you, then you'll be surprised to learn about the big death scene in The Passion.
What We Say: Casting Russell Crowe for the role of a boxer must have been a stroke of ironic genius by the producers. After all, he kicked the crap out of that hapless hotel bellhop in New York. The only way to have made this better is to have cast Paris Hilton for the role of his devoted wife, ready to sacrifice all material possessions just so that their children grow up to be good people.
The Lowdown: Raging Bull divided by Rocky by way of The Grapes of Wrath.
Best Bit: The scene where Crowe breaks his hand during a fight was shot so well we've been walking around with a cast for the last two weeks.
Starring: Russell Crowe, Renee Zellweger, Paul Giamatti, Craig Bierko.
Playing: Dome Cinema
Into The Blue
What They Say: Young nymphs frolic gaily in the ocean, writhing and splashing. Apparently, there's also some sub-plot about drugs and gangsters.
What We Say: Finally a film that properly celebrates Jessica Alba's ass as much as it does her hoops. Bravo! While some feel that her bum is a distant second to her fabulous thingies, after this performance we're inclined to think that her booty can hold up all on it's own. We'd like to see a production a la Eddie Murphy's The Nutty Professor, where Alba's ass and funbags play different roles in the same film.
The Lowdown: Deep Blue meets Deep Throat.
Best Bit: Need you ask? Better to say "Best Bits"...
Starring: Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin.
Playing: Pirate DVD kiosks