Mankind's only alternative 10   DEC.   22  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Kino Korner October 21, 2005
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email

Green Street Hooligans

What They Say: After being expelled from an American Ivy League university, wimpy ass Elijah Wood joins a London gang of football (soccer to you Americans) hooligans and proceeds to drink lots of beer and wave his arms at other gangs in that my-elbow-joints-no-longer-bend sort of menacing way.

What We Say: While the U.S. continues to make denial films depicting wartime glories, the Brits for some reason have been churning out equal quantities of flicks portraying the English as having really scary gangs. There's nothing scary about hair gel and Burberry. It's The Warriors in drag. Shouldn't gangs have guns and bitches? We'd like to see these guys stand down the Crips for just five minutes. That'd give them something to "oi" about.

The Lowdown: Colors meets Priscilla: Queen of the Desert.

Best Bit: Wood's bloody face.

Starring: Elijah Wood, Charlie Hunnam, Claire Forlani, Marc Warren, Leo Gregory.

Rating:: 4/5

Playing: Pirate DVD kiosks


What They Say: A bunch of intergalactic rebels are at war with the Imperial Alliance during which a quasi-hunky captain pilots a smuggling ship across the galaxy harboring rebels with the Alliance hot on their tail. Umm, haven't we seen this one already sometime in the late 70's?

What We Say: We gotta admit, we liked it. Unlike every other film which is a shameless remake of a 70's classic, this one at least tries to make us believe that it's not Star Wars. It's sort of like pretending that Oasis plays original music. Unfortunately, we watched it dubbed into Russian so the dialogue came across as something between surly and whiny. Some chick whose real name is Summer played a chick named River. Fuck.

The Lowdown: Rolex watches meets Fendi handbags.

Best Bit: Little hippy Summer kicking space cannibal ass. Her parents surely must have frowned upon such behavior.

Starring: Nathan Fillion, Gina Torres, Alan Tudyk, Morena Baccarin, Adam Baldwin, Summer Glau.

Rating:: 4/5

Playing: America Cinema

Cinderella Man

What They Say: Directed by Opie Cunningham, who brought us such classics as Apollo 13 and Night Shift, this yarn tells the real life tale of broke po' ass 1930's boxer Jim Braddock who resurrects himself from a dead career to take the heavyweight title in 1935. If we've spoiled the ending for you, then you'll be surprised to learn about the big death scene in The Passion.

What We Say: Casting Russell Crowe for the role of a boxer must have been a stroke of ironic genius by the producers. After all, he kicked the crap out of that hapless hotel bellhop in New York. The only way to have made this better is to have cast Paris Hilton for the role of his devoted wife, ready to sacrifice all material possessions just so that their children grow up to be good people.

The Lowdown: Raging Bull divided by Rocky by way of The Grapes of Wrath.

Best Bit: The scene where Crowe breaks his hand during a fight was shot so well we've been walking around with a cast for the last two weeks.

Starring: Russell Crowe, Renee Zellweger, Paul Giamatti, Craig Bierko.

Rating:: 4/5

Playing: Dome Cinema

Into The Blue

What They Say: Young nymphs frolic gaily in the ocean, writhing and splashing. Apparently, there's also some sub-plot about drugs and gangsters.

What We Say: Finally a film that properly celebrates Jessica Alba's ass as much as it does her hoops. Bravo! While some feel that her bum is a distant second to her fabulous thingies, after this performance we're inclined to think that her booty can hold up all on it's own. We'd like to see a production a la Eddie Murphy's The Nutty Professor, where Alba's ass and funbags play different roles in the same film.

The Lowdown: Deep Blue meets Deep Throat.

Best Bit: Need you ask? Better to say "Best Bits"...

Starring: Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin.

Rating:: 1/5

Playing: Pirate DVD kiosks

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit

Scared Skins : If AntiFA punks and skinheads are brave enough to want to take the fight against Russia’s 50,000 skinheads to the street, why won’t they talk to the eXile?
Michelle Malkin's "Paris Hilton Tape!" :

Solyanka: The Food : It's not just a club

Dubleya Standards : You Either Censor Our Way, Or the Highway


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442