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Kino Korner November 4, 2005
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

The Legend Of Zorro

What They Say: It's the mid-19th century and as the dawn of California's ascension to the United States rapidly approaches, evil forces threaten the future of California's status as America's Pacific Ocean state, not unlike the recent US election. The only hope to avoid this disaster is a masked Mexican with acrobatic skills.

What We Say: It's Mexican Batman. Watching this felt like having dinner with a boring client. It's really awkward and there's nothing interesting going on, however, there's still at least another hour to go before the check arrives.

The Lowdown: Non-spicy Mexican food. Sort of like La Cantina.

Best Bit: Low-cut dresses.

Starring: Antonio Banderas, Catherine Zeta-Jones

Rating:: 1/5

Playing: Dome Cinema

Wallace & Gromit In The Curse Of The Were-rabbit

What They Say: English plastescine heroes Wallace and his dog Gromit must investigate a rash of vegetable vandalism which threatens their depressing town's equally depressing upcoming giant vegetable festival. English people can really suck sometimes.

What We Say: An incredibly bland story from those parts of England whose only export is a stagnant, diminished lifestyle. This film forces you to learn about that neighbor that you never really talked to, but somehow died last spring. If you're a fan of animation, you won't like this film. If you're not a fan of animation you won't like this film. If you're English, you'll go out of your way to defend this cinematic barbiturate.

The Lowdown: Coronation Street meets The Eastenders, whatever the fuck that means.

Best Bit: Going outside in Moscow after the film is over and realizing how good you actually have it.

Starring: Voices of Peter Sallis, Ralph Fiennes, Helena Bonham Carter, Peter Kay.

Rating:: 2/5

Playing: America Cinema

Dark Water

What They Say: A recently divorced mother battles ghosts, a creepy building superintendent and a surly ex-husband in order to maintain custody control over her daughter. That's kind of it, really.

What We Say: Incredibly not scary, unless you find taps that continuously run with dirty water frightening, in which case your Moscow apartment must be a cause of unbearable stress. Perhaps something was lost in the adaptation from its Japanese original, which brings us to our next point: People, stop remaking Japanese films. That is, unless they involve some of that stuff we see on the Internet.

The Lowdown: Kramer vs. Kramer meets Poltergeist.

Best Bit: Tim Roth, who plays a non-Jewish New York lawyer. Great stuff.

Starring: Jennifer Connelly, John C. Reilly, Tim Roth.

Rating:: 2/5

Playing: Dome Cinema

Flightplan

What They Say: Foster, while transporting her recently deceased husband back to America, wakes up to find her daughter missing with no record or witness of said daughter actually accompanying her onboard. Incredibly similar to Foster's efforts in Panic Room, she frantically races about a very small enclosure trying to ensure a happy ending.

What We Say: We haven't seen consistency problems of this scale for many a moons. Not only did they name the wrong Canadian maritime province for the plane's emergency landing, but the whole place was occupied by FBI spooks. Fine, we can accept the ubiquity of US intelligence and their presence abroad, but it was an entire regiment of them, sporting those nifty blue jackets with their department's acronym proudly displayed on the front and back. Perhaps Al Qaeda plans to enter through Labrador next time?

The Lowdown: Hitchcock after getting a lobotomy and having his head re-stuffed with the brains of George W. Bush.

Best Bit: The bit where Foster, for no apparent reason whatsoever, accuses the Arab dudes of kidnapping her daughter. We presume that the writers were trying to criticize America's negative prejudices towards the Middle East. We say, take a side, you fucking hippies.

Starring: Jodie Foster, Peter Sarsgaard, Sean Bean.

Rating:: 2/5

Playing: Dome Cinema

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