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Kino Korner December 15, 2005
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

Aeon Flux

What They Say: It's the year 2415, and after weathering the death of 99% of the world's population, the survivors are held captive in a repressive, yet incredibly fashionable, utopian society. With no semblance of plotline, spandex clad ninja nymphs jump about the screen, with the upside of seeing multiple angles of Charlize Theron's newly slimmed down ass.

What We Say: A 90-minute infomercial for those producers still concerned about casting Theron as eye candy after her transformation in Monster. The visual landscape and art direction could be construed as innovative and imminently watchable, but who really cares?

The Lowdown: Atari meets The 20 Minute Workout.

Best Bit: Spandex, spandex, spandex!

Starring: Charlize Theron, Marton Csokas, Jonny Lee Miller, Sophie Okonedo, Frances McDormand.

Rating:: 2/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks

Broken Flowers

What They Say: After receiving an anonymous letter telling him that a son whom he never knew existed is looking for him, Bill Murray goes on a road trip to visit his old lovers in search of the truth. Directed by Jim Jarmusch, which means that hoards of vegetarian liberal arts students will spend many an hour debating this movie's subtexts...

What We Say: ...which is too bad because shit like that predisposes us to dislike a film even before we watch it. Unfortunately, Murray has largely been put out to pasture nowadays, playing the same lifeless, mopey has-been, a la Lost in Translation and A Life Aquatic. Bring back Mr. Groundhog-Meatball. We loved that guy. Having said all this, we kind of liked the film.

The Lowdown: Swingers meets malaise.

Best Bit: All that smart, quirky dialogue, which is just great for all you progressive couples who like quip back and forth as you snuggle. Perhaps your Ikea eco-smart light bulbs will short out as you sleep, causing you to die a horrible, flame engulfed death.

Starring: Bill Murray, Julie Delpy, Heather Simms, Brea Frazier.

Rating:: 4/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks

King Kong

What They Say: Based on the 1930's classic, this latest remake stays true to the tale of a film producer and his entourage who find themselves on an island inhabited by giant lizards and monkeys. Said monkey goes ape over the leading lady, causing all sorts of wacky misadventures.

What We Say: We've never understood the premise of a giant ape mammal being attracted to a relatively tiny woman, however, it does explain a lot about Richard Gere's feelings towards caged rodents. Fantastic special effects, and worth a watch on the big screen.

The Lowdown: Jungle Fever meets Jurassic Park.

Best Bit: The special effects. They were so detailed in this respect that they apparently held extensive research into animal excrement, making 8 different variations especially for the film. Now that is good shit.

Starring: Naomi Watts, Jack Black, Adrien Brody, Andy Serkis.

Rating:: 4/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks and Russian-language theaters everywhere

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

What They Say: Harry, now pushing his mid-40's, is unexpectedly selected to compete in an international wizard-off with a Hungarian and a French school. However, evil stirs afoot as a conspiracy brews to off Potter, to the delight of this audience.

What We Say: Parallels to international terrorism, and geopolitical relations means that perhaps Rowling is as bored with the Potter writings as we are. What annoyed us were the ridiculous attempts to create suspense, where the viewing audience was left to ponder until the last minute whether Potter will return triumphant or die in the attempt. Fuck.

The Lowdown: Formula meets Franchise.

Best Bit: Seeing that young chick who plays Hermione fill out quite

Starring: Eric Sykes, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson.

Rating:: 3/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks

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