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Kino Korner December 28, 2005
Kino Kwikeez
The Best & Worst Films of 2006 By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email

Best Capitalizing on Someone Else's Trend 2005

The smarter Hollywood producer will not risk his wealth attempting to create new trends. The better thing to do is to keep a close eye on the trailblazing fools around you, and scoop the gravy from someone else's unrecognized genius. This is nothing new. Microsoft, Cialis, Pepsi Cola and countless others made billions by snatching others' innovations, as will every major pharmaceutical company in the world once the federal governments finally develops a cure for AIDS.

So, it was no surprise to us when we saw announcements for the kiddie-Christina flick The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Does anyone actually remember anything about this book other than similar animal/human hybrid freaks as The Lord of the Rings? We didn't think so. Possibly after watching the film, you'll recall a quiet time in the 6th grade when you perused through one or two of Lewis' tales, but now that the film's out, it "magical" again.

Worst Television Remake

It would seem that for the past 5 or so years, Hollywood's mandate has been to suck its own wee-wee by remaking once-successful television shows or movies. This year, undoubtedly the worst effort was The Dukes of Hazzard. We think that the film's producers wanted to make a mild tongue in cheek film, taking into account the camp-factor of the original series, but failed miserably when they also time tried to sell the film to a generation who had never watched the original. The result was a stink that inadvertently transcended cultures. In Russia, the translated title was "Idiots from Hazzard." In this case, nothing was Lost In Translation, to borrow from Sophia's movie, "Idiots from Tokyo"...

Worst Commentary About International Terrorism

This is the year that the average American became cynical about The War On Terrorism. Freshman year was over, and the US is now a seasoned sophomore, ready to experiment with bisexuality and cocaine. People no longer so much "fear" terrorism as they simply "don't agree" with it. This message has transcended simple 90 minute scripts talking about the issue. Small statements about terrorism have now become part of the four major food groups of any recent script. The lowpoint in 2005 was the stapled-on subtext in Flightplan when Foster accused the lone Arab dude on the airplane of kidnapping her daughter. It made us do that eye blinking, head shaking, "what the fuck?" thing when we saw it. We can only guess that whoever was responsible for that bit of stupidity wanted to repeal the rapidly building international stereotype about Arabs, but did it in such a way so as to make the whole thing worse. Really, we would much rather have seen the director stop the film, walk out onto the screen to tell us that "Arabs are good," and return us to the balance of the movie. Meanwhile, incidents of ponytailed German terrorists blowing up American skyscrapers continues to spin out of control...right.

Worst of the "Way Too Late" Attempts

Thankfully, most males stopped wearing ponytails and doing that one handed clapping dance thing sometime in the 1990's. Ricky Martin, Latino dance clubs and post 80's Miami scummy-ness were laid to rest sometime just before 9/11. Having said this, we're very confused as to why, or even how, The Legend of Zorro made its way onto the big screen. Why not do something glorifying the rise of the Internet? How about an entire film about American men with an affinity for goatees? We hear that the kids really like wearing baggy pants...maybe that'll be a good vehicle for an upcoming flick.

Most Incredibly Over Exposed Actor 2005

Last year, Colin Farrell was everybody's squinty-boy. He was the sushi-on-a-Moscow-menu of Hollywood. This year, the ubiquity crown goes to Elijah Wood, who simply can't stop appearing absolutely everywhere, all the time. If you look it up, there are not that many films to his credit in 2005. However, switch on any channel, and you'll see Lord of the Rings marathons, Elijah sightings, photos, articles, his image miraculously appearing in the side of a mountain -- it's become silly. Elijah, here's too you and see you soon. Real soon. Too soon.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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