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The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
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War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
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Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
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Kino Korner January 27, 2006
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

Yulia

What They Say: At long last! Yulia is an Alexei Mitrofanov of LDPR fame produced soft core political porno about a rendez vous between Yulia Timoshenko (played by former Ms. Moscow Elena Bond) and Mikhail Saakashvili, at Mitrofanov's dacha. While the bedfellows share pillow talk, Yulia tries to figure out exactly what Misha had discussed with Bush Jr. False hair, kinky midgets, and a Ukrainian pop group calling themselves MIN NET, all contribute to the fun.

What We Say: Long time political comic relief LDPR have pulled some great stunts in the past including fistfights during Duma sessions, a handgun in the middle of a televised debate and those inspired protests outside the US Embassy demanding for the immediate return of Alaska. As far as we're concerned this film deserves two big thumbs up, earning it's place next to Triumph of the Will, Battleship Potemkin and other politically motivated classics.

The Lowdown: Wag The Dog meets Swiftboat Veterans for Truth.

Best Bit: Saakashvili giving a mock blow job to Timoshenko. Genius!

Starring: Alen Melik-Grigoryan, Elena Bond, a midget.

Rating:: 4/5. Could have been 5 if we'd seen a money shot.

Playing: Gorbushka and your favorite online Russian porno portal.

Jarhead

What They Say: The story of Anthony Swofford's service in Saudi Arabia and his marked absence of any sort of action in Kuwait during GWI. Based on the book of the same name.

What We Say: Some would call this a thinking man's war film. We would call this 123 minutes of wasting our time, waiting for something, anything, to happen. We recall reading the news back in the early nineties, and seeing the Iraqi death toll climb with every fresh paper delivered. In Jarhead -- and supposedly this was the writer's self important statement -- we're meant to understand that the US invasion mostly involved mundane relationship problems back home and soldiers' inability to masturbate under pressure. We're not really sure if this Swofford is pro or anti war on this one.

The Lowdown: Platoon meets Slackers.

Best Bit: The part at the end where Swofford tries to reconcile his experiences, and despite all his prophetic posturing, comes off as nothing more than another blogger with a script.

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Jamie Foxx, Scott MacDonald.

Rating:: 2/5

Playing: Russian theatres.

Why We Fight

What They Say: Using excerpts from a series of WWII documentary films promoting the US war effort, Eugene Jarecki argues that America's economic infrastructure is heavily dependent on its' international military campaigns. It's like 911, times 100. Yes, 91100!

What We Say: This film is similar to watching Michael Moore, but without the feeling that given the opportunity, the film's narrator will snicker at you. Not that you shouldn't be snickered at. Or worse. Although some of use liked this, we have also heard from other leftie-types that the movie could use a little humor and emotion.

The Lowdown: Fahrenheit 911 meets PETA.

Best Bit: The creeping feeling that Jarecki might be right.

Starring: Really important Amer-icans.

Rating:: 5/5

Playing: kiosks near you!

The Fog

What They Say: This week's irrelevant fluff is called The Fog. Based on the 1980 John Carpenter film of the same name, The Fog features dead lepers who return to terrorize a small Oregon town, mostly populated by attractive 20-somethings.

What We Say: It's getting progressively difficult to write different sounding reviews for these tier 2 remakes, so we'll just ask that you pick up an older copy of the eXile and read something from that. Contrived DJ character in the film was nothing more than a shameless effort to justify an edgy youth oriented soundtrack to boost merchandising returns. Why didn't they just rename the film "Pepsi"?

The Lowdown: Like a cold, refreshing Pepsi.

Best Bit: Pepsi.

Starring: Attractive young people, Pepsi.

Rating:: Two Pepsi Lights.

Playing: kiosks near you

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