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Kino Korner February 10, 2006
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

Lord Of War

What They Say: Lord of War is the story of Yuri Orlov (Nicholas Cage), the son of Eastern European immigrants living in Little Odessa, who successfully made the transition from selling handguns to petty criminals into a solidniy arms trading business. The story follows his rise from the cocaine-friendly 80's to the post-Soviet collapse 90's.

What We Say: Reminds us of when entrepreneurs could make it in Russia. Cage has this thing where almost every role he plays has to have that scene in which he frantically jitters back and forth, arguing with himself while shaking his hands. It's reminiscent of that hypertensive slacker buddy from university, who'd just done his fifth rail of the evening. If you like those scenes, you'll love Lord of War.

The Lowdown: Ollie North meets Roman Abramovich.

Best Bit: Cage, jittering, arguing with himself, shaking his hands.

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Yuri Orlov, Bridget Moynahan, Jared Leto.

Rating:: 3/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks!

The Weather Man

What They Say: In what can be deemed as one of the more entraining recent inadvertent examples of art imitating life imitating art, Nicholas Cage, whose entire career has been an exercise in overpaid triviality, decides that it's time to live up to his well respected elders' reputation by taking on more serious roles in his life and career.

What We Say: This is one of those films that refuses to either be a comedy or a drama. You know when you buy a goldfish, and the kind man at the shop tells you that in order to avoid shocking your new pet, you should introduce it into the aquarium water slowly? This is the type of film that tries to carefully ease the audience away from Cage's typical shtick into something more serious, therefore significant. The Razor's Edge was Bill Murray's goldfish-flick, and now he's able to pass off long takes of his cratered face as substantive cinema. Pretty soon you'll be reading in this space about Cage's upcoming breakthrough role as a gay trucker Jihadist. Can someone please ask Nicholas Cage to quit trying to become less of a cartoon character? We all love Skippy peanut butter for its crunchy, smooth flavor. Why would we buy Skippy if it turned out tasting like Marmite? Do you hear that, Mr. Cage? We don't like Marmite.

The Lowdown: Groundhog's Day meets On Golden Pond.

Best Bit: Cage, jittering, arguing with himself, shaking his hands.

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Michael Caine, Hope Davis, Gemmenne de la Pena.

Rating:: 3/5

Playing: Alternative pirate kiosks!

Brokeback Mountain

What They Say: Sort of a chick film for gays, the movie follows two closeted cowboys dealing with the frustration of keeping this truth from their families (and their ongoing fishing rendezvous' to Brokeback Mountain.) Middle-aged American women on the coasts say it's "so touching, you won't notice they're queers."

What We Say: Gives new meaning to the homosexual community's affinity for anything camp. We're not really sure why a film about gay cowboys has caused such surprise and shock in the US. As far back as we can remember, other than construction workers, policemen, Indian chiefs, and ambiguously employed leather clad moustache guys, cowboys are one of the five major food groups in the gay man's diet. Released in Russia as Hunchback Mountain. Word on the street is that since Hunchback Mountain's flaming success, Brad Pitt has actively begun searching for a script where he gets to play a homosexual. Would any of you like to send Brad an email about Troy, or should we?

The Lowdown: Legends of the Fall meets Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Best Bit: Gyllenhall pitches a tent, while Ledger gets the campfire flaming.

Starring: Heath Ledger, Randy Quaid, Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway.

Rating:: 4/5

Playing: Gay pirate kiosks!

Munich

What They Say: Steven Spielberg's supposedly impartial view of the 1972 Munich Games massacre, and Israel's subsequent international hunt to exterminate Black September's card carrying members.

What We Say: It's difficult to convince us that a film which dedicates a full 2.5 hours to detailing Israeli operatives' victorious exploits is truly impartial. What amazes us even more is that anti-Arab propaganda films such as Munich, Syriana, and even Team America pass relatively unnoticed, while printed cartoons cause revolutionary upheavals. What surprises us even, even more is that some crazy Jews are calling this film anti-Semitic.

The Lowdown: Schindler's List meets Death Wish.

Best Bit: Watching Jews kick ass. We're not used to this kind of thing from Hollywood.

Starring: Eric Bana, Daniel Craig, Geoffrey Rush.

Rating:: 4/5

Playing: Pro-Israeli pirate kiosks!

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