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Kino Korner February 24, 2006
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

The Chumscrubber

What They Say: A dystopian, suburban tale from the perspective of yet another cynical post-80's generation-whatever graduate. The Chumscrubber tells the story of a typical upper middle class white North American neighborhood which ignores its nihilistic drug-munching teens. Poignant.

What We Say: If you've seen Donnie Darko, there's really no need to see this film. If you survived late 90's post angst-angst, the kind where you've just graduated to your first real salary, and have stopped warmly reminiscing about being pissed off at dad or suffering from Brent Easton Ellis-like emptiness, there's no need to see this film.

The Lowdown: The Breakfast Club meets The Rules of Attraction by way of Donnie Darko divided by talent.

Best Bit: The inadvertent humor of Macauly Culkin's little brother stealing all the pills.

Starring: Carrie Ann-Moss, Glenn Close, William Fichtner, Ralph Fiennes, John Heard, Rory Culkin.

Rating:: 3/5

Playing:

Day Watch

What They Say: Day Watch is the story of a Russian CGI team given free reign to fuck about in post production for several months. That's about all that we were able to gather.

What We Say: Whoa. What the fuck was this film about? Apparently, the special effects budget completely blew out any leftover expenses for a scriptwriter. People, let's be clear on this: If you're budgeting for anything produced in Russia, please be sure to leave enough so that after everyone's been bribed, and all the skimming-off-the-top has been skimmed, you have at least something left over for the project itself.

The Lowdown: Lucasfilm meets Mosfilm. Lucasfilm loses.

Best Bit: We want to say the special effects, but that would just be apres paux.

Starring: Konstantin Khabensky, Aleksei Chadov, Gosha Kutsenko, Igor Lifanov.

Rating:: 2/5

Playing: Dome Theater

Hostel

What They Say: While backpacking throughout Europe, two school buddies and their new Icelandic pal get a hot tip to visit a hostel in Bratislava as a guaranteed way to get laid. After several days of hedonism, the lads begin to suspect that something's afoot. By something being afoot, we mean the crazy, psycho, kill and chop-up-into-little-pieces kind of afoot. As in, there's just a foot, and nothing else.

What We Say: Hard to believe that Slovakia was picked as Central and Eastern Europe's Gomorrah. Doing this film in Russia was perhaps a little too real for the film's creators. Finally, a gore/horror flick that we actually enjoyed watching. Perhaps now Western filmmakers will realize that promiscuous gore and FSU dyevs are all one needs for top shelf entertainment. Hallelujah.

The Lowdown: Death Porn meets The Lonely Planet.

Best Bit: Nekkid Slavic chix.

Starring: Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eythor Gudjonsson, Barbara Nedeljakova, Jan Vlas_k, Jana Kaderabkova.

Rating:: 5/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks near you

London

What They Say: New York, a busy loft party, and several folks meet in the upstairs toilet to kick back a mountain of blow. As the granules disappear, conversation turns into that deep, enthusiastic and incredibly annoying banter about absolutely nothing but which seems profound at the time. Definitely something we don't miss from our days of habits past.

What We Say: The sheer quantity of coke consumed in this film made our chests reel in pain. Induced flashbacks to 7am conversations at Mix with an infinitely interesting person who later turned out to be a shallow slut with a confused sense of fashion. Most of the film took place in one room. Reminded us of the unrelenting Long Day's Journey into Night.

The Lowdown: Eugene O'Neill meets Paul Oakenfold by way of Bright Lights, Big City

Best Bit: Chris Evans waking up the next day, feeling a little too spry and effective for someone who'd just consumed that much shit.

Starring: Jessica Biel, Jason Stratham, Chris Evans.

Rating:: 3.5/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks near you!

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