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War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
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Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
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Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
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More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
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Kino Korner March 7, 2006
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

The Burning Bed

Vixen Farrah Fawcett plays real life Francine Hughes, who after years of domestic abuse offs her husband by dousing him in gasoline while he's asleep and letting the sparks fly. Hot action, worthy of a Death Porn write-up, right in your own back yard.

Beaches

With domestic abuse no longer in vogue after The Burning Bed, men had to act quickly in order to find another way to make women cry. In Beaches, director Garry Marshall tells the story of two women, best friends from childhood, their affection for the same man, and their even greater affection for one another. The downside of this film is that it allows women the opportunity to practice on-command weeping, the weapon of choice to end all arguments and discussions. What have we done?

When Harry Met Sally

Harry and Sally fear that a tryst in bed would ruin their friendship. Reinforces the ridiculous North American notion that men and women can actually remain as friends without one of them passively scheming to fuck the other senseless. Abstention and Puritanism in its most raw and American form. Great film for sensitive guys who like to snuggle.

Brokeback Mountain

Other than Mark Ames, what seemingly-heterosexual man doesn't like a good dyke show? Exactly. Building on this logic, we submit Ang Lee's recent pederast rhapsody to the eXile Top Chick Flix of All Time category.

Jarhead

Folks, there's simply no way that a war film without any action is meant for guys. Through the simple process of elimination, our crack research team has concluded that Jarhead was therefore created for chicks. As a further bonus, the film features an exemplary performance by man-dyke-show star Jake Gyllenhaal.

Iron Jawed Angels

Hillary Swank storms Washington, demanding that women are given the right to vote. Some of you out there may be asking yourself: Who the hell was responsible for this? Folks, the answer lies with Swedes, the suffrage movement and its various sympathizers. Apparently, Night Flight is Sweden's attempt to make amends for allowing this to transpire. Even the film's creators refused to take themselves seriously, sticking in a gratuitous masturbation sequence by the film's lead (Swank), after she failed to score with some dude.

Thelma & Louise

Bored, a waitress and her housewife pal (Susan Sarandon, Geena Davis), hit the road in a snazzy retro automobile in search of fun and adventure. After a fatal altercation with a sexual aggressor, fatal for the phallocentric aggressor that is, the two ladies high tail it off to Mexico, sympathetic cops on their tail. Luckily, sympathy for this type of behavior hasn't managed to find its way to Russia, yet. Unless the aggressor happens to be from the Caucasus.

A League of Their Own

It's WWII and with all the fellas at a razborka over in Europe, a bunch of chicks decide to play some ball until their return. Throw in a few moments of comic relief courtesy of chubby windbag Rosie O'Donnell, and director Penny Marshall rakes in bundles of cash from duped feminists. God bless America.

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