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Kino Korner April 7, 2006
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

Basic Instinct 2

What They Say: Sharon Stone's vagina is back. This time however, her snapper has managed to stir things up in frigid England, and a typically uptight Tommy must resist her geriatric charms. Apparently, the film is so bad that even Stone walked out during a preview screening in London.

What We Say: There should be a statute of limitations for film sequels to erotic thrillers. While a quick search of the Internet indicates that there appears to be significant interest in MILF porn, we're a little put off by the idea of a 47-year-old Stone doing anything but attending charity events or become a Bardot-esque recluse-eccentric.Years from now, scholars will examine this film and ask: "How did this not go straight to video?"

The Lowdown: The Devil in Miss Jones meets Cocoon.

Best Bit: Not seeing Stone's graying snapper this time.

Starring: Sharon Stone's vagina, a bunch of Brits with ridiculous names like Iain and Hugh.

Rating:: 1/5

Playing: 5 Zvezd, Dome Cinema (wouldn'tcha know it!)

Capote

What They Say: This is the story of Truman Capote's initial success, and ultimate struggle to write and complete his classic novel, In Cold Blood. At first he dabbled in nothing more than sensationalist journalism picked up from the pages of a newspaper, but Capote quickly realized that the sordid facts offered him an opportunity to pen the first non-fiction novel, affording him the fame he so desperately wanted.

What We Say: The film was ok, nothing more, arguing that Capote in his own really really really gay way, was as manipulative and venomous as the killer whom he was writing about. If gay comedies were the plat du jour in the early 2000's, this is the year that every Hollywood male actor with the slightest pheromone imbalance scrambled to get his manicured hands on a homosexual drama script. Pederast cheerleading has reached Internet bubble proportions folks, and we warn all metrosexuals about over investing into a market ready to implode. A quick scan of the DVD boxes at our local pirate kiosk showed us that almost every film riddled with festival nominations or awards involved a sober story about some dude's insatiable desire to commit sodomy.

The Lowdown: Misery meets Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Best Bit: The execution scene in which the hangman is dressed very much like Capote during the Studio 54 years, suggesting in a not very subtle way that Capote used and ultimately felt responsible for killing the accused.

Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Catherine Keener, Clifton Collins Jr., Chris Cooper.

Rating:: 4/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks near you

Boomer 2

What They Say: Unlikely sequel to the excellent Russian flick Boomer, this film picks up after Kostya is released from prison (amazingly without tuberculosis) and tries to start a new, more peaceful life.However, just when he thought he was out...

What We Say: Whoa, what happened? Except for the classic Army of Darkness, sequels tend to disappoint. This sequel was staggeringly awful. The script can only be described as a trailblazing masterpiece in the "non-science fiction, suspension of disbelief" genre. Ultimately, we had to stop the DVD in order to avoid popping a vein from the frustration. It's been said that a team of monkeys randomly hitting keys on a typewriter will eventually over time write something great. We can only infer that this particular team of monkeys just wasn't given enough time.

The Lowdown: Pastel blazers meet The New Economy™.

Best Bit: Any clips from the first movie.

Starring: Vladimir Vdovichenkov, Andrei Merzlikin, Svetlana Ustinova, Nikolai Olyalin.

Rating:: 2/5

Playing: MDM-Kino

16 Blocks

What They Say: Chased by bad guy cops, Bruce Willis is a burned out police officer trying to do the right thing by escorting a targeted witness to a court house 16 blocks away. Lots of falling to the ground while shooting a gun sequences and strained angry grimaces ensure that Willis fans will get exactly what they came for. Twist here is the suspense not about whether the bay guys will prevent Willis from accomplishing his task, but whether the decrepit old man will be able to muster enough health to hobble that distance.

What We Say: Bruce Willis has bested both Kevin Costner and Sean Connery in the race to become supreme ruler in the Kingdom of Typecast-Moody-Aging-Male-Lead Land. We can only hope that a purge is to follow.

The Lowdown: Die Hard meets Grumpy Old Men.

Best Bit: Mos Def, who has become the Ice Cube of making shitty films tolerable.

Starring: Bruce Willis, Mos Def, David Morse, Jenna Stern.

Rating:: 3/5

Playing: My place

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