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Unfiled April 21, 2006
Columbine's Most Wanted
By Mark Ames Browse author Email

This issue is printing up on April 20th. For over 50 years this day was notorious as the anniversary of Adolph Hitler's birthday. It was one of those days that made the Normals nervous, while a faction of nerdoids could be counted on to celebrate it, as if by celebrating Hitler's birthday, they would acquire some of his anti-nerdoid, mega-evil powers.

Seven yeas ago, something far more powerful and seductive gave this day new meaning: Columbine. On April 20, 1999, students Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold attacked their high school, slaughtering twelve students and a teacher, wounding 20 more, before finally committing suicide. They'd armed themselves for a much wider assault - along with a TEC-9, a Hi-Point 9-millimeter carbine and two shotguns, they rigged up 95 explosive devices - enough firepower to wipe out their school and slaughter hundreds of students, had they gone off. Among the bombs were forty-eight carbon dioxide bombs, or "crickets," twenty-seven pipe bombs, eleven 1 1/2-gallon propane containers, seven incendiary devices with 40-plus gallons of flammable liquid, and two duffel bag bombs with 20-pound liquefied-petroleum gas tanks. Had they survived, they planned to hijack a plane and crash it into New York City, "firing all the way down."

Every fake attempt to understand "why" Columbine happened has always turned into an act of willful self-deception. At first their parents were blamed. But then we learned that both grew up in two-parent homes, and both openly loved their parents, even apologizing to them in video diaries. As Harris noted, quoting Shakespeare's The Tempest, "Good wombs hath borne bad sons." Then the Internet was blamed, Doom was blamed, violent movies, the NRA, lack of religion:everything was blamed except the most obvious cause of the attack: Columbine High School.

And what a horrible place it was - and is. After the massacre, numerous parent, students, and ex-students went public about the school's "toxic" culture of brutality. Students were routinely beaten, assaulted and humiliated right in front of the teachers and administration, whose jock-principal not only tolerated it but loved the bullies. As one jock from the Columbine High football team bragged after the massacre, "Sure we teased them:If you want to get rid of someone, usually you tease 'em. So the whole school would call them homos."

Officially, Columbine is not a suspect in the crime. Yet it has continued to see unprecedented white upper-middle-class violence. A year after the massacre, two Columbine students were killed across the street from the school in a Subway Sandwich shop; a boy on the basketball team committed suicide (as did one of the victims' mothers); and two students were caught a couple of years ago with a list they'd drawn up of Columbine students they were planning to massacre.

Indeed on forums around the web, Harris and Klebold are literally heroes to thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands of American kids. There have also been numerous school massacres and planned massacres since 1999 where the perpetrators referenced Columbine as their model. Every year, as April 20th approaches, the number of plots exposed soars. Recently, school massacre plots were uncovered in Reno; Platte City, Missouri; and Tacoma, Washington, among others.

All major crimes, particularly unusual crime waves like school and office massacres, have a larger socio-political context, although we're still at the stage where we refuse to recognize this possibility in white middle-class schoolyard massacres (and office massacres).

But just blaming "the schools" is like blaming "the System." All crimes also have human villains as well, and we owe it to them to out these villains.

Today is the seventh anniversary of Columbine, and I think it's time we honor this day by doing something constructive, something positive. It's time to seek justice. And that means naming these villains, the willing little Nazis who destroyed Klebold and Harris, and whose viciousness eventually led to a massacre.

I present to you the swine of swine, former Columbine wrestling champion Rocky Wayne Hoffschneider. Harris and Klebold's hatred of Hoffschneider was obsessive - indeed most kids there hated him. But he was popular and a state champion. Which meant that when, for example, he shoved his girlfriend into a locker right in front of a teacher, the teacher looked away and let it slide. He also tormented a Jewish student, singing pro-Hitler songs and yelling out "another Jew in the oven!" every time the student scored a basket during PE. He pinned the kid to the ground and gave him "twisters," bruising his body. And then he started threatening to burn the kid alive. The student's father complained, to no avail - the PE teacher was also Hoffschneider's wrestling coach. Eventually the Jewish kid transferred to another school, the parents blaming the administration for shielding their star jock, while Hoffschneider continued bullying his way up the social ladder.

Hoffschneider enrolled in Columbine in 1996 after he'd been thrown out of a private school for fighting. He had a previous criminal record: an arrest for criminal mischief in 1992, and another arrest in 1995 relating to a "missing person," the details of which are sealed.

Now remember, in the aftermath of Columbine, Klebold and Harris have been repeatedly compared to Hitler (even though Harris explicity denounced racism and Nazis), while Hoffschneider, a violent, cruel, girlfriend-smacking, anti-Semitic fuck, has gone on to become a semi-successful Ultimate Fighter. He was pampered all the way by a society that loves its spirted Nazis, and hates those who "have no school spirit," as one Columbine wrestler's father put it, explaining why Klebold and Harris were justifiably tormented as students.

Rocky Hoffschneider may be a symptom of some larger evil, but he is also a perpetrator, a willing, enthusiastic executioner. We have given you his name and his general whereabouts. Now I'm asking readers to hunt him down and find out where he lives, so that we can publish his address here in the eXile. If you do, you'll get a very sweet prize from us, I assure you.

I'd also like to ask readers to consider what justice would be appropriate, and send in your entries. I can't call for something like physical harm or property damage, although I would certainly UNDERSTAND it. Remember, Rocky is a big, mean hog, but he's also an incredibly stupid, evil piece of shit. That means he's got vulnerabilities wider than the Maginot Line which you can exploit. The goal is justice. Let's ride the fucker straight to alcoholism and anti-depressants. That is the best way to mark April 20th.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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