Color Me Kubrick What They Say: The true story of Gary Ness who conned people out of money and favors by posing as Stanley Kubrick, all the while bearing no resemblance to him. What We Say: Translated in Russian as Being Stanley Kubrick. It's bad enough that foreign DVD's sold in Moscow now tend to either be only dubbed into Russian or have that monotone voiceover which, for some frustrating reason, you can't switch off. Now, it's become popular for adaptation companies to fuck with the film's title. Hunchback Mountain was one of our fave's. You see, folks, Malkovich was in a film called Being John Malkovich, so let's be clever and change this Malkovich film's title to Being Stanley Kubrick. Get it? The local film industry has no respect for itself. Having said all that, the film was very watchable. 
The Lowdown: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels meets A Clockwork Orange. Best Bit: Ness, pretending to be Kubrick discusses the possibility of casting John Malkovich in his next film. Starring: John Malkovich, a bunch of gay dudes. Rating: 5/5 Playing At: Pirate kiosk near you Mission Impossible 3 What They Say: Tom Cruise is pitted against Philip Seymour Hoffman in a kind of both sides of the closet door super showdown. Vowing revenge on Cruise after having his feathers ruffled, Hoffman goes after Cruise' fiance, and we all know how attached Cruise can be to a fiance. 
What We Say: This film almost made CNN abandon its trademark daily photos of protesting Arabs in lieu of surprisingly trivial exposes on Cruise's failure to make the predicted bajillion dollars in the first week of box office sales. Apparently, half a bajillion is just not good enough. Audiences in some US theatres cheered when Cruise took a near death beating.
The Lowdown: Bond meets bomb. Best Bit: We must admit, Cruise's near death beating caused a spike in our serotonin levels. Starring: Tom Cruise, Ving Rhames, Keri Russell, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Laurence Fishburne, Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Rating: 3/5 Playing At: 5 Zvezd and Oktyabr' The Tiger And The Snow What They Say: A love struck poet uses his charm and humor to woo a comatose aid worker during the onset of the American invasion in Iraq. Really. What We Say: What the fuck? We were shocked when Axis national Benigni got away with his concentration camp comedy Life is Beautiful, but a romantic comedy set during the Iraq War? How about a musical about Serbian ethnic cleansing? On some level, though, we have to hand it to Benigni for continuously taking the piss out of an entire generation of self absorbed festival goers. The Lowdown: Romeo meets Rommel. Best Bit: Benigni getting out of an internment camp after American soldiers recognize him as a poet. Starring: Roberto Benigni, Jean Reno, Nicoletta Braschi, Tom Waits. Rating: 2/5 
Playing At: Pirate kiosk near you The Detonator What They Say: Wesley Snipes runs around Bucharest, doing fancy karate stuff on Romanian gangster types. What We Say: Snipes, who was once Hollywood's negro du jour, seems to have firmly repositioned himself over to the "shot-in-a-second-world-country-straight-to-DVD" genre. We can only imagine a spate of infomercials to follow. A mix of Snipes' denial and decline, this film made us feel similarly uncomfortable as watching 67 year Tina Turner perform in a mini-skirt. Oh, the horror.
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