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Kino Korner June 2, 2006
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

Proriv

What They Say: 100 Russian paratroopers take on a 2000 strong terrorist army, staffed by contract mercenaries with names like Glover. We won't give away the ending, but we'll give you two guesses as to who wins. Interesting that Russians should choose to depict themselves as outnumbered underdogs.

What We Say: This film explores the full spectrum of early Soviet nationalism, from the joy of birthing a son, to the inherent righteousness of sacrificing yourself. If you liked the shitty patriotic Chuck Norris flicks of the Reagan years, you're gonna a-looove Proriv. Fifty years from now, some film student will use Proriv in his term paper about the revival of Russian state-funded propaganda films in the early 21st Century. We'd like to give this film a bad rating, but we'd also like not to have our visas revoked.

The Lowdown: Battleship Potemkin meets Triumph of the Will by way of Rambo 3.

Best Bit: The ultra un-Hollywood deaths of nearly all the protagonists.

Starring: Just your average, everyday Ivans.

Rating:: 6/5

Playing: In every patriotic theater in Russia

X-men: The Last Stand

What They Say: After a cure for mutation is discovered, Magneto (Ian McKellen) decides to wage war in order to protect his kind. Professor Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart), naturally sides with the regular folk and a royal rumble takes place.

What We Say: Cool special effects, and lots of panning across Halle Barry's increasingly large ass. Absolutely no character development, but who the hell needs that when you've got that guy with cool wings and the chick who does that whole mind meld thing. Why did they call it The Last Stand? Will the next one be called The Last Stand Part II?

The Lowdown: Battle Royale meets Freaks.

Best Bit: Hot mutant chicks in tight outfits.

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Famke Janssen, Anna Paquin, Patrick Stewart.

Rating:: 3/5

Playing: Everywhere

Silent Hill

What They Say: Chick accidentally gets stranded in a ghost town. Enter spastic-motion zombies.

What We Say: That's it. With the exception of Frogger, there are no more video games left to cross over into film. We've done the whole 70's TV show thing, video game adaptations, comics, retro films and most recently novels. Other than bothering with an original script, the only thing left to film now are cereal boxes. Our vote is for Boo Berry, the Vicodin poppin' ghost, starring Samuel L. Jackson as Count Chocula. I vant to eat your cereal, motherfucker!

The Lowdown: 28 Days Later meets Atari's Centipede.

Best Bit: The zombies.

Starring: Sean bean, zombies.

Rating:: 2/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks everywhere

The Da Vinci Code

What They Say: Based on the Dan Brown novel, Tom Hanks stretches outside of his traditional lovable functional retard role to play super puzzle solving Robert Langdon, a professor who must unravel a murder, pissing off the entire global Christian community in the process.

What We Say: Having not read the book, it's easy to become fascinated by some of the author's suggestions. However, if you have read the book, for you this film probably sucks donkey balls. We're talking old, sweaty, unwashed donkey balls. The kind of donkey balls that have endured years of trotting through the Mexican desert with a pack of filthy belongings strapped to its back. Being led about, aimlessly. From one shitty town to another. Donkey balls.

The Lowdown: Atheism meets Where's Waldo?

Best Bit: Almost feeling the contempt from the cheap European labor actors for Hanks' obscene salary.

Starring: Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, Ian McKellen, Jean Reno, Paul Bettany.

Rating:: 2/5

Playing: Who cares

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