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Kino Korner June 16, 2006
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

The Omen

What They Say: Billed a remake of the original, after some deft infant switcheroo antics, an American diplomat begins to suspect that his secretly adopted son might be the devil's own.

What We Say: This film is not a remake, it's a cover version. We've complained ad nauseam about unoriginal scripts, but this is just taking the piss. It might have been better to re-release the original Omen, and just have Puff Daddy rapping over the dialogues. "Look at me, Damien! Yeah, yeah. Uh, huh. It's all for you! Yeah." The Lowdown: Alice Cooper meets The Alice Cooper Tribute Album.

Best Bit: Knowing this would suck ahead of time, and not being disappointed in this fact.

Starring: Mia Farrow, Liev Schreiber, Julia Stiles.

Rating: 2/5

Playing At: Who cares

Over The Hedge

What They Say: In debt to a scary mafia type bear (digitally animated bear that is) after a foiled attempt to appropriate said bear's food, a wily raccoon (voice of Bruce Willis) stumbles upon a mismatched family of forest critters and decides.. oh for fuck's sakes, this is just plain stupid.

What We Say: Another bunch of Hollywood actors lend their voices to a CGI family film, hoping that this asinine stunt will endear them to a larger audience. In the 80's, they sang songs to feed Africans, in the 90's they opened restaurants and now they audition for cookie cutter stories about anthropomorphic vermin.

The Lowdown: Planet Hollywood meets the Disney Store.

Best Bit: Being spared of Willis' squinty, balding visage through the magic of animation.

Starring: Voices of Bruce Willis, Garry Shandling, William Shatner, Nick Nolte, Thomas Haden Church, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Avril Lavigne.

Rating: 2/5

Playing At: Same places as The Omen

Stay Alive

What They Say: A bunch of complete nobodies, playing characters with names like Hutch, Swink and October get offed by a surly Atari witch. You see, folks, if you die in the video game, then you die in real life. Ooooh, scary stuff!

What We Say: This film is complete- ly irresponsible. The whole point of video games is to provide that extra bit of confidence for borderline sociopaths and full-blown nerds. Don't worry little Jimmy, there are no real consequences to your actions. If you stab your sister, and the police come looking for you, just hit reset. All fixed. Don't you pay attention to this film. Oh, and are we to believe that hard core video gamers are not, in fact, overweight masturbation addicts?

The Lowdown: Pac Man meets snuff films.

Best Bit: The trailer.

Starring: That Jewish dude from Hebrew Hammer.

Rating: 1/5

Playing At: Same places as Over the Hedge

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