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Kino Korner June 29, 2006
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

Poseidon

What They Say: Another re-work of a 70's disaster film, which itself was a remake of the Titanic story, ultimately somehow paralleling that whole art imitating life imitating shit thing-y. Kurt Russell tries to escape the sinking ship which symbolizes his legendary acting career.

What We Say: Briefly stars Kevin Dillon, who is the Old Navy to brother Matt's Banana Republic same family, only slightly less expensive. The Baldwins, of course, have done a much better job of brand segmentation, offering a Baldwin for practically every budget. Some say that this film's saving grace is the special effects, but that's sort of like reading War and Peace because you like the typeface.

The Lowdown: Titanic meets Escape from New York. The second Escape From New York, the one where he's already escaped to LA.

Best Bit: Richard Dreyfuss playing a pederast. We can see the executive meeting now: "We need to make the script fresh, more modern. Let's see. How about a homosexual? They seem to be popular nowadays. We'll get the Brokeback Mountain demographic. Get the writers on the phone, we need a faggot, pronto!"

Poseidon

Starring: Kurt Russell, Josh Lucas, Richard Dreyfuss, Jacinda Barrett, Kevin Dillon.

Rating: 1/5

Playing At: Someone's ass

Cars

What They Say: This week's animated film entry, a slick big time race car learns some important life lessons when he's stuck in a small town for a few days.

What We Say: If we were eight years old, this film would confuse us. Why is a car being taught how to be a better person? How do you tell a boy car from a girl car? Where do baby cars come from? Is that what the dip stick is really for? Do cars do it in the trunk? How are baby cars made? Am I hurting the car when I slam the door? Will cars eventually rise up against us? Will there be a car-holocaust? Will we have to send someone back in time to stop these damn machines? Oh go, nooooooo!

Cars

The Lowdown: Who Made Who meets Fantasia.

Best Bit: Dude car falling for a chick car. Gives new meaning to being rear ended.

Starring: Voices of Owen Wilson, Paul Newman, Bonnie Hunt, Larry The Cable Guy, Cheech Marin, Michael Keaton, George Carlin, John Ratzenberger.

Rating: 2/5

Playing At: NAMBLA community centers everywhere

The Breakup

What They Say: Aniston and Vaughn decide to end their relationship, however, continue to share their living quarters until the condo's sold. The Odd

The Breakup

Couple, indeed! Is humanity prepared for this level of zaniness? Gazoinks!

What We Say: Watching films about American relationships totally bums us out. This is just the thing to watch if you're ever feeling any doubts about your decision to pack up and move to Russia. Are all US males really such fucking pansies, dreaming of the opportunity to cry in front of their chicks? Waitdon't answer that. I don't want to know.

The Lowdown: Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Harry vs. Sally.

Best Bit: Undoubtedly, Anniston's hot, nekkid butt.

Starring: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston, Jon Favreau, Jason Bateman, Vincent D'Onofrio.

Rating: 3/5 (two points for each Aniston butt cheek)

Playing At: Your bedroom, with a tube of Ya Sam

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