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Kino Korner September 8, 2006
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

Candy

What They Say: Heath Ledger is an aspiring poet, who falls for an aspiring painter (Abbie Cornish), both of whom end up spending a fair part of the film shooting heroin, scamming people for heroin or turning tricks in order to do more heroin.

Candy

What We Say: Drug dependency has been so overly explored as a film genre that it took us several weeks to actually bother popping the DVD into our player. However, the film was surprisingly watch-able, with pederast friendly Ledger slowly grappling his way into the legit territory of cinema.

The Lowdown: Sid and Nancy meets Trainspotting.

Best Bit: Ledger's monologue about how he couldn't possibly pimp himself out as a gay prostitute, because he's not into that type of thing. Too late, pal. We already know.

Starring: Heath Ledger, Abbie Cornish, Australians.

Rating:: 5/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks

The Benchwarmers

What They Say: Produced by Adam Sandler's post SNL fart joke factory Happy Madison, the film tells the story of three grown men who take on an entire baseball little league in order to champion the cause of pre-pubescent, goofy benchwarmers.

The Benchwarmers

What We Say: Was there ever a time that we liked this type of shit, or is it that The Benchwarmers is simply a bad film? We recall chuckling at Happy Gilmour, so it's probably the latter. Stars Napoleon Dynamite's John Heder, who completely lost all credit after this shitfest. Anyone who enjoyed Heder's performance in Napoleon Dynamite, and would like to maintain any admiration for the film is warned to stay away.

The Lowdown: Rob Schneider is a fucking retard.

Best Bit: Not laughing even once.

Starring: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder, Jon Lovitz, Tim Meadows, Reggie Jackson.

Rating:: 1/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks

Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby

Talladega Nights:The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby

What They Say: Ricky Bobby (Ferrell) is a NASCAR driver who looses his cool after a saucy little French driver (Ali G) takes the reigns as leading racer. Lots of standard Ferrell nudity and stream of consciousness monologues for those that are fans of this type of thing.

What We Say: It's difficult to say that Will Farrell is typecast. More correctly, one would say that Will Farrell has been telling the same joke for the entirety of his career, and Talladega Nights is a continuation. In fact, the only reason we watch his films is in the desperate hope of eventually hearing the punch line. So the doctor says "...rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

The Lowdown: Days of Thunder meets Rain Man.

Best Bit: Ali G's portrayal as a gay, French race car driver. Oh what range.

Starring: Will Farrell, John C. Reilly, Ali G.

Rating:: 3/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks

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