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Kino Korner September 8, 2006
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email


What They Say: Heath Ledger is an aspiring poet, who falls for an aspiring painter (Abbie Cornish), both of whom end up spending a fair part of the film shooting heroin, scamming people for heroin or turning tricks in order to do more heroin.


What We Say: Drug dependency has been so overly explored as a film genre that it took us several weeks to actually bother popping the DVD into our player. However, the film was surprisingly watch-able, with pederast friendly Ledger slowly grappling his way into the legit territory of cinema.

The Lowdown: Sid and Nancy meets Trainspotting.

Best Bit: Ledger's monologue about how he couldn't possibly pimp himself out as a gay prostitute, because he's not into that type of thing. Too late, pal. We already know.

Starring: Heath Ledger, Abbie Cornish, Australians.

Rating:: 5/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks

The Benchwarmers

What They Say: Produced by Adam Sandler's post SNL fart joke factory Happy Madison, the film tells the story of three grown men who take on an entire baseball little league in order to champion the cause of pre-pubescent, goofy benchwarmers.

The Benchwarmers

What We Say: Was there ever a time that we liked this type of shit, or is it that The Benchwarmers is simply a bad film? We recall chuckling at Happy Gilmour, so it's probably the latter. Stars Napoleon Dynamite's John Heder, who completely lost all credit after this shitfest. Anyone who enjoyed Heder's performance in Napoleon Dynamite, and would like to maintain any admiration for the film is warned to stay away.

The Lowdown: Rob Schneider is a fucking retard.

Best Bit: Not laughing even once.

Starring: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder, Jon Lovitz, Tim Meadows, Reggie Jackson.

Rating:: 1/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks

Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby

Talladega Nights:The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby

What They Say: Ricky Bobby (Ferrell) is a NASCAR driver who looses his cool after a saucy little French driver (Ali G) takes the reigns as leading racer. Lots of standard Ferrell nudity and stream of consciousness monologues for those that are fans of this type of thing.

What We Say: It's difficult to say that Will Farrell is typecast. More correctly, one would say that Will Farrell has been telling the same joke for the entirety of his career, and Talladega Nights is a continuation. In fact, the only reason we watch his films is in the desperate hope of eventually hearing the punch line. So the doctor says "...rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

The Lowdown: Days of Thunder meets Rain Man.

Best Bit: Ali G's portrayal as a gay, French race car driver. Oh what range.

Starring: Will Farrell, John C. Reilly, Ali G.

Rating:: 3/5

Playing: Pirate kiosks

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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