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Unfiled September 22, 2006
 
Ass Wiping with the eXile
By Yasha Levine Browse author Email
 
 

The eXile is a great paper. Not only does it make for a good read, but can also be good for the occasional ass wiping. Yasha Levine reports:

The last time I had to wipe my ass with something other toilet paper was July 4, 2005. I was in Belarus; I hadn't slept in two days and hadn't shat in just as long. I was enduring a six-hour layover in Vibetsk and drinking some muddy instant coffee when the urge came. I had to shit. I hobbled over to toilets, picked a stall closest to a window and squatted over a hole in the floor. Squatting is supposedly more efficient in evacuating the bowls, but because of my two-day backup, it didn't work as well as I hoped. I was left with a nasty, unclean break and no toilet paper, as I'd forgotten to buy it from the babushka manning the entrance.

Luckily, I was carrying around about 75 well-worn pages ripped out of a massive Edgar Allan Poe anthology. And I gotta say, Poe didn't let me down. Two wipes with the Gold Bug was all I needed. The third wipe came out clean. The paper was not too smooth and yet not too rough. Its fibers firmly gripped the tiny shit particles with a lifting action that didn't smear.

I recalled that memory when I recently reached for the last issue of the eXile to wipe with. Again I was stuck without toilet paper. This time, I was just too lazy to wobble across my apartment with my pants down for a fresh roll. Besides, I'd read in [sic] that ass wiping is the only thing the eXile's good for. So I figured, why not try it...

While I can't say that the eXile was better at the job than those two pages of Poe's prose, I have to be fair. The eXile I was using was not yet 48 hours off the presses and so didn't have the time to soften up and develop a texture necessary for a thorough ass scrubbing. That, combined with the light diarrhea I had that morning, established unfair conditions for an unbiased side-by-side test. It required 5 abrasive shit-smearing wipes to get my ass sufficiently clean. But in the end, the eXile performed better than expected. Even though the cheap paper we print on turned out to be much glossier than I initially thought, the ink exhibited no signs of smearing at all.

However, for future reference I suggest that using a paper at least a few months old that's been read at least once. And stay away from the cover page and large advertisements. Large swaths of ink make the paper slippery.

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Levine
Browse author
Yasha Levine is an editor at The eXile. You can contact him at yasha@exile.ru
 
 
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