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Kino Korner October 6, 2006
 
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email
 
 

Lady In The Water

What They Say: The narfs, a water dwelling race of nymphs, return back to earth after many years of absence, to help mankind. However, all is not well as the scrunts, the narfs' mortal enemies, are aiming to kill the queen narf, with only Paul Giamatti able to save them. Um, yeah.

What We Say: M. Night Shyamalan, who brought us The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs and The Village, has lost his fucking mind. Not only did he write and direct this film, but he also played a lead role as a writer destined to change the world. We can only hope that an autobiographical epic will follow.

The Lowdown: Shyamalan, just Shyamalan.

Best Bit: When Shyamalan is told that he will write the novel which changes the world, he slowly bows his head and quietly accepts this fate. What a dick.

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, M. Night Shyamalan.

Rating: 2 Shyamalans

Playing At: Shyamalan

The Black Dahlia

What They Say: Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart play two 1940's detectives investigating the murder of a young Hollywood starlet. Based on the noir novel of the same name.

What We Say: Could have been much better. We honestly don't understand why people consider Johansson such a babe. Swank seems to now be typecast into the "lesbian who secretly wants to be converted" role. Anyone else think that Eckhart's chin looks like an ass?

The Lowdown: Miami Vice meets Agatha Christie.

Best Bit: When Shyamalan didn't appear.

Starring: Josh Hartnett, Scarlett Johansson, Aaron Eckhart, Hilary Swank.

Rating: Two and a half Shyamalans

Playing At: A Shyamalan near you

The Sentinel

What They Say: A shitty action film about US secret service agents successfully protecting the president from an assassination plot. Don't they test these things on focus groups anymore?

What We Say: Kiefer should really stick to television, where he has better success these days. Isn't Kiefer now one of the most overpaid actors as a result of his stint on 24? Douglas sleeps through this yawn, doing his well trodden, talking through one's teeth thing. We dare you to remember anything about this movie in two months time. Especially since there's no Shyamalan in it to make it memorable (see photos on this page).

The Lowdown: Shitfest meets Total Crap.

Best Bit: Probably something with gunfire, but we're having a hard time remembering already. Possible Shyamalan sighting, but we're not sure.

Starring: Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Kim Basinger... Shyamalan? Anyone? No?

Rating: 1 Shyamalan out of 5 Shyamalans

Playing At: Pirate Shyamalans everywhere

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