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War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
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Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
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Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
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More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
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Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
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Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
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More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
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Kino Korner October 6, 2006
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email

Lady In The Water

What They Say: The narfs, a water dwelling race of nymphs, return back to earth after many years of absence, to help mankind. However, all is not well as the scrunts, the narfs' mortal enemies, are aiming to kill the queen narf, with only Paul Giamatti able to save them. Um, yeah.

What We Say: M. Night Shyamalan, who brought us The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs and The Village, has lost his fucking mind. Not only did he write and direct this film, but he also played a lead role as a writer destined to change the world. We can only hope that an autobiographical epic will follow.

The Lowdown: Shyamalan, just Shyamalan.

Best Bit: When Shyamalan is told that he will write the novel which changes the world, he slowly bows his head and quietly accepts this fate. What a dick.

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, M. Night Shyamalan.

Rating: 2 Shyamalans

Playing At: Shyamalan

The Black Dahlia

What They Say: Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart play two 1940's detectives investigating the murder of a young Hollywood starlet. Based on the noir novel of the same name.

What We Say: Could have been much better. We honestly don't understand why people consider Johansson such a babe. Swank seems to now be typecast into the "lesbian who secretly wants to be converted" role. Anyone else think that Eckhart's chin looks like an ass?

The Lowdown: Miami Vice meets Agatha Christie.

Best Bit: When Shyamalan didn't appear.

Starring: Josh Hartnett, Scarlett Johansson, Aaron Eckhart, Hilary Swank.

Rating: Two and a half Shyamalans

Playing At: A Shyamalan near you

The Sentinel

What They Say: A shitty action film about US secret service agents successfully protecting the president from an assassination plot. Don't they test these things on focus groups anymore?

What We Say: Kiefer should really stick to television, where he has better success these days. Isn't Kiefer now one of the most overpaid actors as a result of his stint on 24? Douglas sleeps through this yawn, doing his well trodden, talking through one's teeth thing. We dare you to remember anything about this movie in two months time. Especially since there's no Shyamalan in it to make it memorable (see photos on this page).

The Lowdown: Shitfest meets Total Crap.

Best Bit: Probably something with gunfire, but we're having a hard time remembering already. Possible Shyamalan sighting, but we're not sure.

Starring: Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Kim Basinger... Shyamalan? Anyone? No?

Rating: 1 Shyamalan out of 5 Shyamalans

Playing At: Pirate Shyamalans everywhere

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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