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Kino Korner November 3, 2006
Kino Kwikeez
By Alex Shifrin Browse author Email

Children of Men

What They Say: Imagine a bleak future, without the prospect of children to carry on your name, where conflict and frustration are what fuel daily life.

What We Say: Reminded me of my ex-girlfriend. What if she reads this, you ask? Fortunately there's no chance of that ever happening as she intentionally ignored anything of mine resembling an accomplishment so as to avoid having to give praise. You see, folks, there are three marked stages in one's relationship with a Russian woman. The first involves really good sex and the false belief that you've just scored something really incredible. During this bit, you're confident and invincible enough to commit all sorts of indiscretions and mistakes, ones that she seemingly seems to either not notice or altogether forgive and forget. Don't be fooled by this, people. She's just storing it all up for later.

Children of Men

The Lowdown: Logan's Run meets Bizarro

Best Bit: The kickass, lots of explosions, Arabs versus Westerners, urban combat battle sequence at the end.

Starring: Clive Owen, Julianne Moore, Michael Caine.

Rating:: 4/5

Playing: Oktyabr

The Illusionist

What They Say: Tired of playing with his wand, love-struck Edward Norton uses up all his special wizard magic to win over Jessica Biel. Debunks the myth about Dungeons & Dragons enthusiasts and their interminable virginity.

The Illusionist

What We Say: The second stage with said girlfriend involves an abrupt cooling off period, one that takes you by surprise. You're not really sure what to do, but you still hang around because the sex, which, although it isn't as monumental or regular, is still ok. This is where you begin to develop insecurities and dependencies that you never even knew existed.

The Lowdown: Harry Potter meets Harry Reems.

Best Bit: Don't know -- couldn't finish it.

Starring: Edward Norton, Paul Giamatti, Jessica Biel.

Rating:: 3/5

Playing: Dome Skinema

Five Fingers

Five Fingers

What They Say: Arabic-fashioned Larry Fishburn and Gina Torres torture pretty boy Ryan Philippe for a confession. Seemingly in Morocco to set up a food relief program, Philippe watches time and fingers slip away as Larry and Gina become more insistent. Oh, the horror.

What We Say: The final stage, the fait accompli, if you will, is where the sex and compliments completely vanish from the relationship altogether. You're left wondering exactly what has changed about you, or what you're doing wrong, why you no longer deserve to be treated like the sultan you once were. All those little mistakes and goofs you did in the past are now exhumed, dusted off, and laid out before you, as if she'd kept a written record and stored it all along for this moment. You struggle hard to win back some of that beloved nookie, but it's long gone my friend. As much as you struggle to avoid admitting it, you're her bitch now.

The Lowdown: UNICEF meets CIA.

Best Bit: The stuff about the finger choppin'.

Starring: Laurence Fishburn, Ryan Philippe, Gina Torres.

Rating:: 3/5


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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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