It must have been late because the first tochka I cruised by had already been picked clean of whores. Even for 5,000 rubles you couldn't find anything fuckable. But in my current state of mind, that made little difference to me. The muscle relaxant and alcohol cocktail I was riding to smooth my Adderall crash clouded my judgment, and the 100mg of Viagra I popped was pressing me to make a choice fast.... Had it not been for my enthusiastic, helpful gypsy cab driver, I would've ended my search then and there. Luckily, he advised that we leave this place and check out another tochka.
He was right. The next tochka, maybe about a kilometer further down the Garden Ring, was much more bountiful. There were so many girls that they were literally stepping on each other's toes and spilling out onto the road for lack of space on the sidewalk. After inspecting the 3,000 and 4,000 ruble varieties, I settled on a skinny 5,000 ruble brunette named Sveta.
As we drove away from the tochka, the driver noted a GAI patrol car parked with its lights off on a side street with a clear view of the tochka. I was too preoccupied and wasted to pay attention, but he thought it meant trouble. He was right.
We didn't make it 500 meters onto the Koltso before the GAI pulled us over. I was in the front seat and my reaction time was so slow that I didn't notice how one of the officers opened the rear door and dragged out the whore I'd just paid for. She was already in the back seat of the GAI patrol car by the time I realized what was going on. But I didn't panic. A few months ago, another cabbie explained to me this newest GAI racket. It goes something like this:
A GAI patrol car stakes out a tochka. As soon as a john pays for a whore and drives away, the GAI pulls him over and checks the chick's papers. Nine out of ten times, the whore won't be registered properly, so they seize her and squeeze the john for a bribe if he wants her freed. It's uncertain whether the tochkas are in on this racket or whether they just stay quiet to please the cops, but it doesn't really matter. No one cares what happens to the whore after she leaves the tochka, as long as she comes back safe and sound and ready to work again - after all, the john's already paid the whore, the GAI can do what they want. Fucking her john, fucking the GAI or spending the night in the slammer it's all the same to the mamochka.
It's a perfect racket. The john, having already dished out at least $150 for his whore is in a prime position to be shaken down. You either ante up, or lose your investment completely.
"What's the problem?" I asked one of the cops as soon as I stumbled out of the car.
"There is no problem. The girl does not have her registration. We are taking her to the precinct to check her identity," he replied.
"But you can't take her. I just met her in a club, and we're going to my house to have some fun tonight... Isn't there something that can be done?" I asked.
"Have a seat inside," he replied. He opened the passenger door and told the girl to go back into the cab.
After about five minutes of haggling, the GAI completely cleaned me out. I had only 1,000 rubles and some change, and they got it all. They wouldn't even let me keep the few hundred rubles I needed to pay the cabby. When I got back into the car, Sveta seemed upbeat and talkative. She thanked me repeatedly for getting her out of there.
"Not everyone has the money to pay the bribe," she said. "I was arrested a few times because of that."
"What do they do when they book you?" I asked.
"A few times they held me until morning in a drunk-tank and then let me go. One time, the GAI officers didn't take me anywhere. They just kept me in the back seat the entire night and I rode around with them until their shift finished," she answered.
"That all you did? Just rode around?"
"Yeah... that's all. They just let me out next to a metro, when it opened," she replied.
She was probably lying, but seemed honest and naive. But hey, that's the nature of being a whore.
I was in a good mood when we got to my place. Under my kitchen light, the girl turned out to be an exceedingly good tochka catch and my Viagra magic was beginning to kick in. Sveta had a tight body, curly shoulder length hair and small perky breasts. She looked to be no more than 20 and certainly was the best-looking tochka slut I've ever picked. Only the wrinkles under her eyes showed her true age of 24 years.
I poured us two Scotch on the rocks, sat her on my lap and sized up her full and muscular thighs and ass as I explained to her the difference between single malt and blended scotch whiskey... And bam, that's it. I blacked out.
The next thing I knew, it was 1pm the following afternoon, and I was alone and naked in my bed. My head was ringing, my vision was fuzzy and I could barely open my eyes. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't quite place it. The previous night was a complete blank.
And then I remembered, the whore! Fuck, where is she?! She's gone! It all came flooding back to me. The muscle relaxants, the Viagra, the tochkas, the cops. The last memory I had was trying to kiss Sveta in the mouth and her pulling away. I wasn't even sure that I got laid.
I jumped out of bed and made the rounds around my apartment. My front door was unlocked and slightly ajar, and I was expecting my apartment to be stripped bare. But no, everything was in its place. My two laptops, a digital camera, my iPod and my cell phone - all sitting out within easy reach were right where I left them the night before. A used condom on my bedroom floor, empty glasses, some half-eaten cheese and a half-empty bottle of Glenfiddich were the only traces left by my whoring experience.
Then I checked my pants, and realized...oh shit! My wallet was gone! I figured she stole my wallet when she went rummaging through my pants to find the keys to the front door. In a panic, I cancelled all my American credit and ATM cards.
But about a half hour after I cancelled everything, I found my wallet. I'd stashed it all the way in the back of my bottommost desk drawer. I suppose that in my wasted state, I remembered to stash my wallet, but then forgot about it. Oh well, too late. All my cards canceled. No way to get cash. I was truly fucked.
I've never trusted whores. No one does. Which is why I never expected this kind of honesty... Sveta was thrown into a potential death porn situation, bought on a street, seized by cops, then freed only to go home with a drunken pig. And yet she didn't steal anything, even when she could have. Or should have. I wish I had her number because if there's one person that deserves a Christmas present this year, it's my dear whore Svetlana.