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Letter From Iwo Jima

Opens in US theaters December 20th

Following hot on the heels of his massive blockbuster hit Fags of Our Fathers, Clint Eastwood is back to shaming himself even more by making a movie about how, like, the Japs were people too 'n stuff during World War Two. Gosh, the Greatest Generation are so darned good-hearted and above-the-fray that they can even see the humanity in the enemy. As the War Nerd writes this issue, World War 2 is the lamest, most overrated war in mankind's history, fit only for morons. Now that Clint Eastwood has become an irrevocable moron, it seems he's earned the right to make his own World War Two epic, complete with Beigeist lessons for all of us viewers to take home. You know, the ol' black n white film with the "Look at me mom, I'm making a movie-with-a-message!" thing written all over it, except now it's written in Kanji.

Here's a lesson, Clint: Just stick to the scenes where people kill each other, and cut out the scenes that suck where people are emotionally conflicted. You used to do that so well in the spaghetti Westerns and Dirty Harry. Somebody should have put poor Clint down after The Unforgiven. The ol' dog is just sufferin', it's painful to watch. Sadly, instead of dying, all he can make are films that die.

The kicker about Letters from Iwo Jima is that it's filmed like an art-fag film, complete with lots of subtitles and Japs speaking in their funny-sounding Jap language. Seriously, have you ever heard Japs talk? It's totally funny, man. But somehow, unlike the brilliant Battle Royale, Clint is too much of a senile old moron to grasp what's great about the Japanese. I mean, if you make a movie with Nips and they're not doing the "Oh look! Mothra! Godzilla!" bad-voice-over thing, then buddy, you don't belong in this business.

Okay, you want some letters from Iwo Jima? Here are some letters: "H" "E" "L" "P" "!" "R" "O" "U" "N" "D" "E" "Y" "E" "!" "O" "U" "C" "H" "!" "F" "R" "A" "M" "E" "T" "H" "R" "O" "W" "E" "R" "!" "A" "A" "A" "I" "I" "E" "E" "E" "!" "!" "!"

Venus

Opens in US Theaters December 21st

Two crusty old British poofter lushes, one played by Peter O'Toole, have their lives changed when O'Toole's hot American grand-niece comes to London. What's not to like about this? Just the preview alone, showing a 90-year-old pervert wasted on prescription drugs and whiskey, charming the socks off of a vulnerable, stupid young slut, banging her with his wilted old nub (or so we like to imagine), is enough to make editor Ames want to go on living, and on living, and on living. A true "life-affirming" movie trailer if we've ever seen one. The perfect date flick -- so long as your date is sixty years younger than you. Which ours will certainly be, God willing.

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