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Kino Korner December 15, 2006
Preview Reviews
By Mark Ames Browse author Email

Letter From Iwo Jima

Opens in US theaters December 20th

Following hot on the heels of his massive blockbuster hit Fags of Our Fathers, Clint Eastwood is back to shaming himself even more by making a movie about how, like, the Japs were people too 'n stuff during World War Two. Gosh, the Greatest Generation are so darned good-hearted and above-the-fray that they can even see the humanity in the enemy. As the War Nerd writes this issue, World War 2 is the lamest, most overrated war in mankind's history, fit only for morons. Now that Clint Eastwood has become an irrevocable moron, it seems he's earned the right to make his own World War Two epic, complete with Beigeist lessons for all of us viewers to take home. You know, the ol' black n white film with the "Look at me mom, I'm making a movie-with-a-message!" thing written all over it, except now it's written in Kanji.

Letter From Iwo Jima

Here's a lesson, Clint: Just stick to the scenes where people kill each other, and cut out the scenes that suck where people are emotionally conflicted. You used to do that so well in the spaghetti Westerns and Dirty Harry. Somebody should have put poor Clint down after The Unforgiven. The ol' dog is just sufferin', it's painful to watch. Sadly, instead of dying, all he can make are films that die.

The kicker about Letters from Iwo Jima is that it's filmed like an art-fag film, complete with lots of subtitles and Japs speaking in their funny-sounding Jap language. Seriously, have you ever heard Japs talk? It's totally funny, man. But somehow, unlike the brilliant Battle Royale, Clint is too much of a senile old moron to grasp what's great about the Japanese. I mean, if you make a movie with Nips and they're not doing the "Oh look! Mothra! Godzilla!" bad-voice-over thing, then buddy, you don't belong in this business.

Okay, you want some letters from Iwo Jima? Here are some letters: "H" "E" "L" "P" "!" "R" "O" "U" "N" "D" "E" "Y" "E" "!" "O" "U" "C" "H" "!" "F" "R" "A" "M" "E" "T" "H" "R" "O" "W" "E" "R" "!" "A" "A" "A" "I" "I" "E" "E" "E" "!" "!" "!"


Opens in US Theaters December 21st


Two crusty old British poofter lushes, one played by Peter O'Toole, have their lives changed when O'Toole's hot American grand-niece comes to London. What's not to like about this? Just the preview alone, showing a 90-year-old pervert wasted on prescription drugs and whiskey, charming the socks off of a vulnerable, stupid young slut, banging her with his wilted old nub (or so we like to imagine), is enough to make editor Ames want to go on living, and on living, and on living. A true "life-affirming" movie trailer if we've ever seen one. The perfect date flick -- so long as your date is sixty years younger than you. Which ours will certainly be, God willing.

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V Day Weekend: Raving With WWII Veterans : Vodka, E and shashlik at another dacha weekend
Al Dilbert
Al-Dilbert :

Feis The Music! Buns Moons Moscow Nightclubs :
Yair Klein: Russia's "Other" Viktor Bout
Yair Klein: Russia's "Other" Viktor Bout : Weapons, Cocaine, Israelis And Oligarchs


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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