A reader recently brought to our attention one of the strangest blogs we've ever seen. Wait, scratch that - just about every non-cash-earning blog is totally fucked up, in that they scream desperation of the "I'm so lonely and uninteresting in real life, but in the virtual world, I'm a whirlwind of opinions and passion! Look, I even built up a community of virtual friends!" sort. Put it this way: remember that freak chinaman in Fargo, the one who kept calling the sheriff at three a.m. to relate how great his life was going? Mikey Yamamoto or whatever his name was? If he were around in the 2000s, he'd definitely have a blog, and that blog would be updated three to four times per day, minimum.
Which brings us to a blogger named "La Russophobe." It's exactly what the title says-an English-language blog by someone or someones who truly hates Russia. This isn't the semi-ironic Russophobia stance taken by our own Aspi Pahars. Rather, "La Russophobe" is a compulsively unironic, humorless hate blog, with said hatred directed at All Things Russian. Sort of like one of those psychos who writes obsessive letters to their local newspaper complaining about "big government."
Now here's the interesting part. "La Russophobe" claims very conspicuously and revealingly to be "non-profit." It also claims to be written by someone named "Kim Zigfield." However, a local American journalist told us that there is strong evidence that this same "Kim Zigfield" used to write crazed letters to Johnson's Russia List and elsewhere under the name "Oliver Bronsen," obsessively attacking tennis-babe Maria Sharapova. This got our curiosity up, so with a little roving-reporting, we also learned that "Kim Zigfield" has used other fictitious names in bizarre email exchanges with other foreigners in the Russia-watching community.
Artist's sketch of La Russophobe's ass. If you have seen this ass, write us and win big!
In other words, we have a Scooby Doo situation: Who is this freakish ghoul who haunts the blog world with her Russophobia, and what is his/her/their purpose? Donning our Thelma caps, we have two theories:
a). She really is a she named "Kim Zigfield," and she genuinely hates Russia for the same reason all Western girls hate Russia: because Russian women are 142 million times hotter than all the Western girls combined (eesh, what a rank thought, all of the West's chicks combined! Hey, someone get me a frickin spittoon and a bottle of Listerine!). Hence, the obsessive hatred of Sharapova.
b). La Russophobe is a poorly thought-out project of some NGO/government/etc that wants to undermine the Kremlin. Hence the awkward banner that "La Russophobe" is "non-profit."
c). Or both: La Russophobe is an NGO project run by an angry, fat-assed Anglo/American chick who hates Sharapova.
We want you, eXholes, to help us unmask this "Kim Zigfield." Why? Because it's just too weird to be left alone.
Below we have an artist's sketch of Zigfield's ass, the only part that has been identified by witnesses. If any of you have seen or know the rest of the human being who is attached to this burdensome ass, please write to us at firstname.lastname@example.org
The reader who discovers the true identity of La Russophobe will win from us your choice of:
1. A night out at the gentlemen's club "Violete" where everything - and we mean EVERYTHING - is on our tab. And believe us you, you will get EVERYTHING. You can even get your girl to wear a "Kim Zigfield" mask while you do her from behind.
2.Dinner for two at the elitny restaurant Prado Cafe. We nit you shot.
So readers, you've been given your assignment. And you know the reward. Time to hop into your virtual Mystery Machine, and solve this spooky mystery!