Most people woke up on January 1st with a hangover. I woke up to a death threat, sent to me by the Columbine bully who inspired the most notorious school massacre of our time. Or would have, if I'd read the email the day it was sent.
A little background: as a follow-up to my book on rampage massacres at offices and schoolyards, Going Postal, I published an article in the eXile last April titled "Columbine's Most Wanted," about the notorious Nazi-jock Rocky Hoffschneider. Hoffschneider has been fingered by everyone from students to the Washington Post as one of the prime inspirations for Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold's rage massacre in 1999. As I wrote, Hoffschneider not only attacked and bullied those two incessantly, but he even physically attacked a young freshman girl simply because she he saw her talking to Eric Harris. Among Rocky's famous exploits was harassing a Jewish student, repeatedly yelling "Another Jew in the oven!" every time he'd try to score a basket during PE, pinning him down and giving him painful tittie-twisters, beating and bullying the Jewish kid until finally his father pulled him from the school.
Columbine bully Rocky Hoffschneider gets into his favorite position
Now Rocky Hoffschneider is threatening to murder me and my family. Ostensibly the reason is that I made a mistake in my article. I referred to him as "Rocky 'Dusty' Hoffschneider" when in fact his name is "Rocky Wayne Hoffschneider." His younger brother is named "Dusty." In that article, I called on all the bullied, piss-off readers of The eXile to track down Rocky Hoffschneider and give him back a little of what he dished out. Apparently, Rocky didn't like that much. Here is his email:
Date: 1/1/2007 1:29 PM
You pretend to be above the rest of us, a god, that knows and sees all. I would like to know though that if you are the god of journalism, and know so much, how can you confuse my younger brother and myself. Two completely different people on record. He is a good person, sinless in all his life doing the best he can. Myself on the other hand is the exact opposite. I am the sinner, not the saint. I don't deny that I have not lived the perfect life in the eyes of most people, but who honestly can? I regret none of my past, as I will regret none of my future. If you think you will scare me into a corner, think again. I am not like you. I don't run and hide. I fight my own fights and always have. If you are going to talk about revenge don't call upon those who have the balls to do it, do it yourself coward. I am not hiding in another country. I am still here, unlike yourself. Before you write any more of your blasphemous articles accusing the innocent I would appreciate it if you would go back to journalism 101 and relearn that before you make accusations against the innocent people you should consider the consequences because god himself knows that if any thing happens to my brother and his family you will know first hand how truly fucked up I am. Of all the things that are certain in life, death being the most certain, as far as you and your family are concerned that is a close second.
I spent my winter holiday break in Hawaii, at a friend's giant hippie castle in Diamondhead, so I didn't get this email until later. Initially I was thrilled that I'd pissed off one of the biggest assholes I've ever researched, and took his death threat as a compliment. But a mistake is a mistake. What's worse, some readers from Columbine High told me that Dusty was actually a decent guy, in spite of the fact that he's also a thick-necked wrestling jock like his brother Rocky. It makes sense that Dusty would be good the younger brother of a raging asshole is bound to be more sensitive and compassionate; it comes from hard experience. Dusty is a wrestler; but his big brother Rocky is an Ultimate Fighter, which is another unpleasant thought not only from the point of view of the fact that this makes me a high-placer in the 2007 Ghoul Pool, but also because I'm a big admirer of Ultimate Fighting, and the unavoidable knowledge that recognizable assholes like Rocky Hoffschneider are made for this sport kind of undermines the sick exotic rush I get from watching it.
In any event, I recently returned to Moscow and sent this reply:
I received an email from you to my Russian email account ( firstname.lastname@example.org ), which I'm copying below. Given the sloping-forehead tone of your email, I assume it really is you who wrote it.
Here is my reaction:
1. I reviewed the material and you're correct, only you, Rocky Wayne Hoffschneider, not Rocky "Dusty" Hoffschneider as I wrote, are the asshole who helped make Columbine happen; that in the crunch of deadline time, between my 2 television shows and my print journalism, I screwed up your name and mixed in your brother's name, because sometimes guys like me, who have interesting and overworked lives, and tens of thousands of fans, make mistakes; and that I regret this mistake, particularly as I'm hearing that your younger brother Dusty is actually a decent guy; so I am going to correct this mistake in our paper.
2. The fact that you brag about not having any regrets about all of the blood on your hands proves my point that dicks like you, the popular jock meatheads and the Red State pigs they grow up to be, are the real sociopaths, not guys like Klebold and Harris whose violence was beaten into them.
I still haven't heard back. I suspect his email was sent from one of those untraceable accounts. Stay tuned.