Mankind's only alternative 1   FEB.   23  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Ofis Space February 8, 2007
Ofis Fashion Guide
How To Dress For Successkii By Nancy Deal Browse author

It is a little known fact that the customs associated with Russian and post-Soviet garb in the workplace are deeply rooted in ancient Russian pagan mating and fertility rituals. What may seem like everyday, ordinary business dress actually requires hours - sometimes days - of careful preparation. As with many other primal customs, you will note the high importance of scent, color and plumage.

When it comes to office fashion for women in Russia, the sky is the limit. The idea is to stand out. Since Russia is filled with so many naturally beautiful women under the age of 25, and since women have outnumbered men ever since The Great Patriotic War, women must take that extra step to get a man's ever-dwindling attention. Color, color, and more color. Shorter, lower, and super-shorter. Note that despite (or perhaps because of) the Western tendency to associate these styles with prostitutes, Russian biznes ledies have a real penchant for zebra, tiger and leopard prints.

The rules for women's attire in the workplace are few and leave room for all sorts of fanciful interpretations. Makeup plays a major role. Foundation should be used liberally. Eye shadow should match whatever you're wearing. Pink sweater? Pink eye shadow. Lime green blouse? Lime green eye shadow, etc. Note that accuracy and skill with cosmetics products are really not as important as quantity.

Working female Russians must store a separate set of make-up and nail polish at their workspace. The workday morning begins with a healthy dose of powdering, then another coat of clear nail polish before adjusting mascara clumps and lip shine. Then they will have tea, follow-up on the previous day's gossip, and finally turn their computers on.

As mentioned above, scent is very important. Working females must ensure that people can smell them from at least one room away, even at temperatures when tears freeze. Professional Russian females are encouraged to spray their own signature scents in the air around themselves and their desks. This serves as a means of marking one's territory, and may sometimes trigger an intradepartmental spray-off. This tactic is especially effective when used to ward off expatellas.

This brings us to the next and final "rule:" if you've got it, flaunt it. And really, whatever you have should be flaunted. Bony chest? Let's see that clavicle, baby. Post-pregnancy baby fat? Wear one size too small to show off and accentuate your lower abdominal flab-tire. Perfect body? Then please, for the love of God, show it off!

Remember, no matter what:

DO: wear short skirts, tight-fitting low cut tops, midriff tops, see-through tops, etc.

DON'T: have any kind of body image complex at all.

A Russian man's wardrobe is traditionally quite modest, and should generally consist of: no more than 2 suits, no more than 2 sweaters, no more than 2 shirts, and one pair of socks.

Clearly the focus here is not on quantity, but quality. Russian men need to make sure they have a number of details in order, and they're just plain not as good as remembering stuff as women are - which is why we've developed a failsafe system to make sure you have everything you need on your Russian office wardrobe checklist before you walk out the door.

The Five P's:

The height of fashion in the 18th century, nothing screams "status!" to your Russian male coworkers like a pair of excessively Pointy Shoes. They should be black for most of the year, but you can wow your female coworkers with your versatility in the summertime, when you bust out your white or baby-poop-brown pointy loafers woven out of pleather - and wear them with no socks! Klass!

A suit is not a suit without a tie. Splash of color? Hold me back, yo, I'm talkin' full on color tsunami! Russian businessmen require Pimp yo' ties - these should be shiny and have little to do with so-called "color scheme" of the rest of your ensemble. You're trying to show off your individuality, after all. Pick a tie that really makes a strong statement like: "I can spend $250 on a tie but I am incapable of tying that tie properly."

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit

Browse author

the edGy post-guide to moscow :
Political Cartoon of the Week :

Amerikanskie Siloviki :

The Fortnight Spin :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442