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May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Kino Korner May 4, 2007
 
Preview Reviews
By Yasha Levine Browse author Email
 
 

Die Hard 4: Live Free Or Die Hard

Opens in the US on June 27th

Judging by the title, you'd think this movie was going to be a Homeland Security fantasy: Bruce Willis doing all the things that America can't. We're losing in Iraq and Afghanistan, so why not satisfy the American people? He'd prevent some sort of devious plot that looks like 9/11 way too much, disband al-Qaida, solve Iraq and get the Taliban out of Afghanistan. You can just imagine Bruce Willis, all bloody and barefoot, holding a big shotgun to Osama's head and saying "Yippie kay-yay mother fucker" before blowing a hole in his turban.

Die Hard 4

There's two trailers for Live Free or Die Hard on the net, and the first one does a damn good gob of leading you on with dramatic music and opening titles like "ON JULY 4TH ... THE CHOICE WILL BE CLEAR ... LIVE FREE ... OR DIE HARD" that are intercut with dramatic shots of the White House and NYC, followed by a bunch of shooting and explosions. But you gotta get to the end of the second trailer to realize that Willis ain't hunting for no turban-wearing Arabs. His arch-villain turns out to be some preppy white boy in stylish wire-rimmed glasses. Now I had to search around the web for this information because the preview doesn't give a clue about what the Ivy League asshole could possibly be pissed about, but the kid turns does turn out to be a terrorist after all - an Internet terrorist bent on shutting down the U.S. economy with computer viruses. Ooooh, scary! Oh, no, please don't tell me he's pissed off about his credit card debt. The least they could have done is made the villain Russian.

- Yasha Levine

Hostel 2

Opens in the US on June 8

Hostel 2

The first Hostel was about a bunch of American backpackers that fall for hot Eastern European chicks and fuck their brains out in a Bratislava hostel only to find out that, to paraphrase Marion Barry, "The dyevs set 'em up!" The girls were nothing but bait for rich German pervs who couldn't get off on their native shiza porn and could only wood by drilling holes in the peckers of unsuspecting boys. The Hostel was their recruitment office. In the sequel, it's American chicks that get their fun-bags punctured.

According to critics, Hostel was one the scariest movies ever made, but somehow I can't remember a single scary moment. A lot of people were diced up, but it had same scare factor as those educational TV programs about open-heart surgeries. The only difference was the dirty walls and the stylized green fluorescent lighting.

- Yasha Levine

Now Playing in Moscow Theaters Near You

Dome Cinema

May 4 -- May 13

Hot Fuzz, Shooter and Disturbia: Call for show times

Oktyabr

May 4 -- May 8th

Next: 21:50

Spider-Man-3: Call for show times.

35 mm

May 4 -- May 15

Inland Empire: 10:00, 13:00, 16:00, 19:00, 22:00

Aachi and Ssipak: 21:00, 23:00

Addresses:

Oktyabr: Novy Arbat 24, Phone: 545-0505

Dome Theater: Olympisky Prospect 18/1, Phone: 931-9873

35 mm:: Pokrovka 47/27, Phone: 917-5492

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Levine
Browse author
Yasha Levine is an editor at The eXile. You can contact him at yasha@exile.ru
 
 
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