Mankind's only alternative 3   DEC.   22  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Kino Korner June 1, 2007
Preview Reviews
By Alexander Zaitchik Browse author Email

Eagle Vs. Shark

Directed by Taika Waititi

Eagle Vs. Shark

Anyone remember a small budget mid-90s Australian chick flick called Muriel's Wedding? No? Lucky you. The ABBA sound-tracked travesty was Australian for shitfest. More than John Howard, more than the great white shark that ate my niece, Muriel's Wedding soured me on all things Aussie for years. The lingering resentment makes me suspicious of all indie romantic comedies from Down Under, but this dork-love flick actually looks pretty funny, assuming it doesn't tear the needle off the precious-o-meter. The preview for Eagle Vs. Shark opens with Jarrod walking up to Lilly, the object of his geek affections, at a fast food joint. He hands her a poorly drawn invitation to his animal theme party; she comes as an shark, he's an eagle. When she arrives, he says, "I almost came as a shark myself actually, but then I realized that a eagle's slightly better." Cut to Jarrod awkwardly kissing Lilly in his bedroom, which is adorned with nunchucks and Chinese stars (with apologies to Napoleon Dynamite). But Jarrod's no martial artist, just a 20-something loser who's never kissed a girl. Newly invigorated by having a girlfriend, he decides to finally get revenge on the kids that taunted him in school. And so Jarrod and Lilly are off to the dork-love revenge races, aided and abetted by a saccharine indie soundtrack that may necessitate a barf bag. Still, Eagle Vs. Shark killed at Sundance, and the preview warmed my cold cynical heart, if only for a flash.


Directed by Michael Bay


Unbelievable. You Transformers kids are still pricks. It's not enough that you got the better cartoons, the better quality toys, the superior storylines, the cool-kid cache. It was never enough. We in Gobot Nation had forgotten all about the quiet humiliation we suffered in the 80s, and you have to go and get Steven Spielberg to produce a July 4 release summer blockbuster to remind us that you had more money and always will. Well you know what? This Transformers preview may have some cool CGI chase scenes, but the movie looks retarded. And you're retarded for still caring about cars and planes that turn into fucking robots. Do you know the last time us Gobots kids even thought about that shit? It was sometime in the early 90s, as the last of us lost our virginity. When my mom called me up in college and asked what to do with my old stuff, including my Gobot collection, I told her to box and trash, box and trash. We moved on. You, meanwhile, were busy putting Optimus Prime in a hard plastic case and going to sci-fi action-figure conventions. You can have your $20 million Transformer movie. Is mommy going to buy your tickets for you, just like she bought your complete set of Constructicons? Gobots forever.

Now Playing in Moscow Theaters Near You

Dome Cinema

Shrek 3: Call for show times


June 1 - 6

Shrek 3: 17:15, 19:00, 20:45, 22:30

35 mm

June 7 - 12

Death Proof: 15:00, 17:00, 19:00, 21:00, 23:00

June 1 - 5

Shi Gan: 13:00, 15:00, 17:00, 19:00, 21:00, 23:00

June 6 - 12

Shi Gan: 13:00, 17:00, 21:00, 23:00


Oktyabr: Novy Arbat 24, Phone: 545-0505

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Browse author
Alexander Zaitchik is an editor at The eXile. Email him at
Your Letters :
Yair Klein: Russia's "Other" Viktor Bout
Yair Klein: Russia's "Other" Viktor Bout : Weapons, Cocaine, Israelis And Oligarchs

Punish the Pundits! :

Taxi Driver: Gypsy Cab Confessions in Moscow :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442