Mankind's only alternative 22   JUL.   17  
Mankind's only alternative
Welcome
MAIN  RUSSIA  WAR NERD   [SIC!]  BAR-DAK  THE VAULT  ABOUT US  RSS
 
 
EXILE BLOGS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

[SIC!] August 24, 2007
 
Letter from Moron 5's Lawyer
By eXile Staff Browse author
 
Look Who's Screaming Now: Adam Levine opens a can of legal whoop-ass on The eXile
 

WHAT A MAROON!

Gentlemen,

I am the attorney for Adam Levine and the members of Maroon 5.

It has come to our attention that your newspaper and website recently (exile #269, August 10, 2007) posted a story regarding my client and his purported relationship with tennis star, Maria Sharapova. In that story, you claimed that Mr. Levine made certain statements regarding Ms. Sharapova ( http://www.exile.ru/2007-August-10/in_brief.html ). On behalf of Mr. Levine, we hereby deny that such statements were ever made by him. Should you have any information to the contrary, I would appreciate if you provide me with your sources. Since the time of your posting, several other news outlets around the world have picked up your "story" and reported it as true in their publications. As such, Mr. Levine has been forced to address the statements and defend his character.

Look Who's Screaming Now: Adam Levine opens a can of legal whoop-ass on The eXile

At this time, my client has asked me to investigate the available remedies he may have against your publication. I am reaching out to you now to insist that you immediately retract the article and acknowledge that the statement was made without any basis in fact. Unless I receive, within three (3) days of your receipt of this email, your written confirmation of your intention to take the action set forth in the preceding sentence, Mr. Levine will consider retaining local counsel to protect his name, image and character through all available legal and equitable means.

Please note that this letter is not intended to be a complete statement of the facts or law relevant to this matter and is written without prejudice to the legal or equitable rights and/or remedies of our client, all of which rights and remedies are hereby expressly reserved. Our client and I look forward to your immediate response.

Sincerely,

Jeffrey Worob, Esq.

Serling Rooks & Ferrara, LLP

New York, New York

Dear Mr. Worob, Esq., You're not shitting us with this letter, right? Did you say that you're representing Adam Levine, or the state of Kazakhstan vs. Sacha Baron Cohen? Please don't tell us that America's decline has taken us to the point of imitating vain Central Asian dictators...O please, say it isn't true! Say it's something different, like meta-satire of some kind you're pulling on us. Because if you're really who you say you are, a lawyer-type guy, and Adam Levine seriously wants us to issue a formal retraction of satire, then how can we run around believing in a God? It's like, first Jerry Falwell died, which we never thought possible, and now your lawsuit threat is just so retro-People-vs.-Larry-Flynt, it almost feels like the spirit of Falwell never left us. Hey, wait a minute, that sounds kinda good. After all, Flynt is our hero: the guy's a big fat fuck in a wheelchair, and yet he gets more snapper in a day than we smell in a lifetime.

Okay, let's assume the letter's real. Fine. In your "letter" you refer to the piece as a "story" with "quotation marks" around the word "story." Um, "Jeff," if that's really your name, we've got some news that may shock you: there's a reason you put quotation marks around "story": IT'S NOT A "STORY," IT'S FUCKING SATIRE! That's satire without quotation marks. Doyee!

But maybe we're missing something here. Maybe your letter is itself a salvo of sheer comic genius. If so, then baby, you've got a future in comedy. No seriously, with this finger-wagging letter, you've just managed to transform Adam Levine from pop heartthrob into a combination of Dean Wormer and Elmer Fudd, by way of Mrs. Crabtree. What's behind the career change? Are Moron 5's record sales dying so hard that Adam's agent is moving him towards a future playing comic villain foils? Has it got so bad that he's trying to salvage his career by piggybacking on The eXile's minor fame?

Damn, if that's what this is about, then we feels kinda bad-like. Okay, here, let's make this deal: we'll figure out some way to retract the bit of In Brief satire without snickering, if you promise to have Adam Levine send us a videotape of him singing a new Moron 5 song with the lyrics: "Oh you waskawy exiwe waskaws! I'we get you, if it's the wast thing I do! Ooo! [chorus] You're on doubow secwet pwobation/Yeah baby you're on doubow secwet pwobation!"

Actually, truth be told we wouldn't be able to hold up our end of the bargain, cuz, um, well, could someone please explain to us how in fuck's name do you retract satire? We've consulted our brain trust, and for the life of us, as much as your super-scary letter made our knees a-wobble and a-weeble, and as much as we'd like to bear witness to the most retractiony-retraction in the history of media-stomping just as much as the next guy, a retraction that would make Mendelstam's blubbering retraction of "The Stalin Epigram" look wooden by comparison...it's like, who wouldn't like to see something that groundbreaking? It would be like witnessing history! (By the way, you should have seen the parts of the piece we left out - like the line about how Adam Levine "has a great sense of humor, and isn't at all an egomaniacal asshole, nope, not at all..." That part was REALLY funny, but we were really afraid it would be actionable, and that it might lead to some lawyer-guy who represents Lollapolooza and alt-rock bands to sue an alternative newspaper, so we thought, best to leave that joke for another time).

Wait, where were we? What's this long response all about? Oh yeah, now we remember. Boyband hunk Adam Levine is threatening to destroy us. Sorry, lost our train-of-fear for a moment. We're scared, believe us you. No really, we are. There is serious business to attend to, and that is the business of "retracting" a piece of satire in the next 3 days, or else Adam Levine's lawyers will unleash a doomsday nuclear device that will render The eXile's offices uninhabitable for decades to come (although to be honest, a little nuking might not be a bad thing, would irradiate all the nasty smells and germs in our office). Our future is in grave danger.. Readers, we need your help. Yes, you. It's time to heed the call of duty.

We hereby issue an OPEN CALL TO OUR READERS TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE: TO SEND US YOUR SUGGESTIONS ON HOW A RETRACTION OF AN IN BRIEF SATIRE MIGHT LOOK. Whoever sends us the best retraction will earn $300 worth of credit at the "gentlemen's club" "Violete," and the three runnerups will win [sic] t-shirts and a big pat on the back. Yes, that's right: save us from Adam Levine's boyband wrath, and we'll get you laid! We'll even throw in another $50 to make sure that your whore screams the entire paid hour.

Hurry, everyone. The fate of the world hangs in the balance.

SHARE:  Del.icio.us  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
 
 
FROM THE VAULT

Jews Your Own Israeli Adventure : Choose from 6 possible endings
Death Porn
Death Porn: Hog-tied For The Holidays :

A Putin Era Retrospective : An eXile History

Al-Dilbert :
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442
E-mail: office@exile.ru