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Unfiled August 10, 2007
Will The Real Mr. Nasty Please Stand Up?
<p><big>A</big>drian Blomfield of the <em>London Telegraph</em> began a July 31 piece on first deputy prime minister Sergei Ivanov by ominously describing some faded nuclear emergency instructions on a provincial Russian factory wall. In case of nuclear attack, the posters said, workers were to don gas masks and seek shelter. "Sergei Ivanov might not have seen the posters as he strode on to the factory floor," wrote Blomfield, "but if he had he would probably have approved."</p>
<p>We know what you're thinking, because we thought the same thing. What kind of Strangelovean madman would "approve" of attempts to save lives during a nuclear war? Unlike Blomfield's civilized Britain - where citizens are urged to run outside and body paint each other in the event of nuclear attack - Russia must have some dark preemptive war plans up its sleeve. And the sleeve most likely to hold these plans belongs to none other than Sergei Ivanov - "Mr. Nasty" himself!</p>
<p>Yes, Blomfield, quoting an unnamed "Western diplomat," has christened Ivanov "Mr. Nasty."</p>
<p>"The worry for the West," writes Blomfield, "is that 'Mr Nasty' is increasingly starting to look like the hawkish Mr Putin's more hawkish heir apparent when (and if) the president steps down following elections next March."</p>
<p>We understand that the best Ivanov nicknames are already taken. "Mr. Meany Pants" was snatched up months ago (Luke Harding), as was "Mr. Big Poop Head" (C.J. Chivers). But Blomfield and his diplomat friend are wrong if they think "Mr. Nasty" is up for grabs. Since the late-80s, "Mr. Nasty" has been one of the rockin'-est NYC sleaze-metal bands never to make it. In deference to the real Mr. Nasty, we recommend Blomfield find another nickname. As this goes to press, "Mr. Frowny Face" is still on the rack.</p>

<table align ="center">
<p class='center'><img class='pic' height='170'
alt='Mr. Ivanov' width='200'>
<p class='center'><img class='pic' height='170'
alt='Mr. Nasty' width='200'>
<tr><td><ul><li>Born 1953, Leningrad</li>
<li>Has been compared to a more hawkish Vladimir Putin</li>
<li>Advised two presidents on national security</li>
<li>Speaks fluent English and Swedish</li>
<li>Spent most of 70s and 80s abroad</li>
<li>Enjoys reading John Le Carre</li>
<li>Specialist in law and foreign languages</li>
<li>In the mid-1990s, became one of the youngest generals in the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service</li>
<li>Once told media: "For us, Litvinenko was nothing. We didn't care what he said and what he wrote on his deathbed."</li>
<li>Considered by domestic media as a potential frontrunner to succeed Vladimir Putin</li>
<li>His son once struck and killed a 68-year-old woman while driving on a zebra crossing</li></ul></td>
<td><ul><li>Born 1988, East Village</li>
<li>Has been compared to a harder rocking version of Spread Eagle</li>
<li>Advised sound guy at Club Continental on scoring smack</li>
<li>Speaks slurred English; once performed the "Swedish Submarine" on semi-conscious 15-year-old groupie</li>
<li>Spent most of 70s and 80s high as shit</li>
<li>Enjoys metal mayhem</li>

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