Mankind's only alternative 19   SEP.   18  
Mankind's only alternative
Welcome
MAIN  RUSSIA  WAR NERD   [SIC!]  BAR-DAK  THE VAULT  ABOUT US  RSS
 
 
EXILE BLOGS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Unfiled August 10, 2007
 
Surviving The Dead Zone
The eXile Guide to August
 
 

If you're reading the print version of the eXile, then you're soaking in it - the 31-day void that is Moscow in August. It's hard to explain fully, this sense of void. There's the obvious stuff - the hot and heavy air; the feeling that the city is half-empty; the ritual disappointment of sensual summer expectations unmet; the whiff of symbolic death that comes with the creeping of autumn; the lack of good shows (See "The Fortnight Spin"); and Sinead O'Conner at B1. Above all, there's the brutalizing fact that you're physically here at all, and not frolicking amongst the naked at Kazantip, making swirly nipple patterns against a Full-Body Dental-Dam (see "Face Control") or splashing in the sea with eight new special friends who haven't seen a tan line since April.

It all adds up to the feeling of being in The Dead Zone, a warping rupture in space-time from which no fun escapes. It can cause panic attacks, depression, impotence and, in rare cases, Menieres Syndrome. Most big cities experience some kind of Dead Zone in August, but Moscow's is especially crushing. Below are a few tips, developed over almost two decades of Dead Zone experience, to help you get through the next few weeks.

Spiritual Masturbation

You've been doing it for years. But lately you may have started to wonder: Is there more to it? Something I'm missing? Well, yes. Masturbation can be enjoyed as a healthy form of self-empowerment, enhanced awareness, and even a profound spiritual experience. To get started, order a book on Tantra masturbation from Amazon. While you wait for it to arrive, find an online masturbation community dedicated to onanism on a higher level. Then, locate a peaceful, green space near your apartment. You may not be able to find a waterfall with nearby boulders to recline on, but public fountains are the next best thing, providing a soothing, all-natural communion with the Mother Earth, without whom no masturbation is possible. Find an empty bench, drop your pants, shut your eyes, and see how much more masturbation can be.

Kittens

What's cuter than a sweet 'n' frisky li'l kitten? Seriously - what? Baby seals? Maybe; but you can't buy or keep them in Moscow without about a dozen permits. Sweet little kittens, however, are easily available everywhere - in the metro, on the street, at shelters. Kittens aren't just cute - they love to play! Once you've acquired your kitten and gotten over the initial cuteness-shock, break out that old shoelace and let the heartwarming hilarity begin. Before you know it, September will be here and the city back in swing. Since nothing lives forever, and since the litter is starting to stink, just drown the little guy in the bathtub and haul that box down to the dumpster. The memories will last a lifetime.

Hit the Apteka

While your dealer is selfishly out of town cooking sashlik at his dacha, the time is right to explore Moscow's rich over-the-counter apteka culture. Your friendly neighborhood druggist likely has just what you need. Start your journey with a few packets of Terpincod. If Terpincod is unavailable, try Kodelak. Consult your primary health physician for the proper dosage, then multiply it by six. Before you know it, the kids are back in school. And so is your dealer.

YouTube

Hands down, the World Wide Web's most enjoyable and best kept secret. With thousands of free videos at your fingertips, you don't have to kick around the sweltering apartment baking batches of frownies. There's something for everyone at YouTube, from your favorite Shakespeare in Love scene to hilarious clips of house pets playing musical instruments. (Ever seen a Siamese cat play the accordion? It's there!). Whether it's a zany home video or a Weird Al clip you haven't seen in years, you can find it - and a whole lot more - on YouTube.


SHARE:  Del.icio.us  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
 
 
FROM THE VAULT
Barack
US Elections Special Part II: Fear Of An Obama Cabinet :
War Nerd - Japanese Victory
Russia's Other Great Victory : How the Japs got served with the 3,000-mile long Stalin Roll combo
Wodehouse
Woe Is Wodehouse And His Biography : Robert McCrum and what’s wrong with literary biographies

Punish the Pundits! :
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442
E-mail: office@exile.ru